I had a dinner date with someone whom I'm really not sure where it's going, and at the least, it can be a good friendship.  Said goodbye to our past Emporer and good friend Paul Maka Poole who is moving to NY this week and had a goodbye party at the Mix.  

Toad Hall, Bearacudda, and finally the Powerhouse to wish my friend Lance congratulations for becoming our newest Mr. San Francisco Leather.  He will do an amazing job competing at IML in May, and I'll be there to support him.

I also had a great chat with Chris, and finally told him all the things that I'd figured out about our dynamics.  I realized he was living his life, making lots of plans, and I was trying to keep up, and in turn I started following.  The conflict in this, is that I have a pretty busy life, and need someone who can keep up with me.  It makes it hard when two people are living busy life and going in different directions, kind of like a rubber band, when pulled to it's capacity, will eventually snap and break.

Today I'm having breakfast with a guy I've been talking to from GearFetish, who lives in Southern California, but is in town for the weekend.  Talk about cute, and I'm really glad I'm getting a chance to meet him while he's here

I'll probably end up at the Eagle as usual.

- Sent from my Palm Pre

After the day was done, I was looking forward to having about 7 good friends of mine over, mostly puppies, for a "whatever, lets get together" night. Turned out to be about 11 people all together, for drinking, snacks, pizza, and movies. Oh yeah, there was a little bit of bondage involved but hey, thats usually the norm for parties at my place.

I cant say how much I needed that, to take a night off from all the events happening, and to also be able to spend some quality time with the friends Im closest with.

I found out my good friend George (young, cute, sexy... ok, HOT), is competing in the Truck Deviant contest on Wednesday. Im looking forward to cheering him on and really hopes he wins. If he does, then he will be competing in the SF Renegade contest coming up in April.

So after Project Runway, To Wong Foo, and a small bit of Caligula (yeah, what a combo of "gay" programming), we ended the night around 1:30am. My friend Jon stayed the night, and although he's young and cute, I wasnt (am not) in the head space to have fun with him. I think I want maturity, and its tough to find in younger guys. The older I get, the more Im comfortable with guys my own age (give or take 5 years). Im not saying that they are all mature or anyone younger cant be mature, but rather the odds are considerably higher for finding maturity in a guy over 35. Whats funny is, most of the guys (pups) who were here last night, are mostly in their 20s, and they are the proof that there can be maturity at a younger age. Of course they are also the guys who came out, and started playing in the kink/fetish scene at an earlier age as well. I wonder if that makes a difference for maturity in the younger generation?

So on to today. Eagle at 3 for my friend Jays 40th birthday celebration, dinner date at 6, and a stopping by the Mix for my friend Paul Maka Pooles going away party. Afterwards, who knows, I could do South of Market tonight....

So yesterday work was long and exhausting (not to mention busy). Home, a small bit of relaxing and then on to Daddy Ray Tiltons 20th Anniversary of having the Mr SF Leather title. Of course they say 7:30, but have him getting there at 8:15. Even though I could only stay till about 8:20, I went anyway. It was good to be there for Ray, since he has been a good friend since he moved back from Toronto.

So on to the Powerhouse for South of Market Bare Chest Calendar judging. Started out slow but the crowd grew and got to see some great people there that I love, and of course meet some new hot men as well (WOOF). The contestant that we all thought did the best on stage, didnt make the finals. Im not sure why, since 3 or 4 of us gave him extremely good scores for stage, and really felt he would have been a great choice for the calendar. Guess the other areas werent up to par.

Ive really been enjoying the judging although its on a Thursday and Friday morning comes way too early. I also tend to stay past the end so I can have a few more cocktails. Last night I headed over to 440 with Patrick (a finalist and someone Ive been getting to know more). Met a couple of new people there and finally home.

Today... Volunteering at the food bank here with work, tonight puppy pile at my place, tomorrow a friends birthday at the Eagle, an actual dinner date, and a friends going away party at the Mix. Hoping to make the fetish night at the Eagle after but we will see.

Other stuff happening in the next few months. Sisters in the Park, Powerhouse Pup event, SF Renegade, Pups doing the Santa Cruz board walk, IML, Gay Days Orlando (and the opening of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter). Then summer events start (Pride, Dore Alley Fair, etc..)

Finally, I didnt blog about this earlier but Wednesday night was the Edge Renegade contest, which was full of fun. Ass, Cock, Blowjobs on stage, and so much other fun stuff. The Edge Renegade will feed into the new SF Renegade contest in April, which feeds into IML. If youre on my facebook, you can see the clean pics. There are private ones too ;-)

Wish you all a fun weekend, and as always, I appreciate you in my life.

What have I learned? Nothing....

Well obviously we learn and grow, but it seems my heart still goes out, I give it freely, try and be a giving person (a nice person), and for some reason, I still dont get what I want.

As the song goes, we get what we need. I needed to go through the recent changes, in order to understand myself, my wants, my desires, and hopefully next time love comes around, Ill be ready for it (yeah, I know we never are).

This time Im sticking to the notion, I wont look at anyone who may be under 30 unless they prove themselves mature. After remembering through someone elses actions, what its like being 25, its out of control and Im no longer at that point in my life. Its too bad, because it was a fun time, just very destructive, very indecisive, and very bad for me in general.

I also realized that I have elevated myself to a place where I am above people. Not in a "Im above people" way, but more in a "Ive grown so much in myself, that some other people need to take the same time, to get where I am in life". If that makes sense. Im at a place of better standings than someone who is just starting out and young.

I promised Id be a mentor, and I am, but what happens when someone isnt ready to learn. You cant force them. I mean, you can force them in other ways, but you cant make them grow. So do I abandon, and lead by example and watch as they make mistakes? certainly! Isnt that what a parent does with their kids? Do I remain there to help pick up the pieces? A bigger question is *should* I be there for that? Do they deserve that?

Anyway, time will tell and so will the story. For now, I start back at square one... 2010 and 40. :)

Its been rough for me the past few months since David left. I went through the "Im free, I can fuck whomever I want, and any way I want" which was reckless. I went through the emotional "I miss having substance, and intimacy of a relationship". Now Im at the "I know what I want, and dont know if I have the energy to look for it, and do it all over again".

Recently I met a boy who is greener than green. 25 years old (Im 40 btw), and looking for someone to bring him into the scene. Mentor-ship, or Daddy if you will. He's hot as all hell, and wanted by many for his extremely good looks and playful personality. The problem is he's all over the place, doesnt know what he wants, and uncommitted to anything (including any kind of relationship).

The biggest problem is, is that I wrapped up my emotions in this one, and now realizing how much disappointment is involved. Yes, Im disappointed in myself for putting so much into it (he really means well) but also disappointed in him. He just doesnt seem to get it, that if its just him taking what he needs, without giving the other person what they need (or even offering to), then its using someone. It may not be intentional, and may not be what they are wanting to do, but its still "using" either way.

The question is, did he fill a need for me in any way? Do I let him go or is there something else fate has in store for me with this? Is it teaching me a lesson? Am I failing at the lesson?

I used to be a person of faith. Faith in the universe, but right now I dont know if I can trust the universe, let alone anyone else in my life. *sigh*

Anyway, day by day right? Ill play things out, and see where my next stepping stone may be before I cross this pond to find land. (thanks for reading if your at this point)

Also places to visit for more updated info.

My Website - Mr Hayes Valley Leather 2008

My LiveJournal

My Flickr Photos

My Facebook Page

Email Me

AIM = desmond94114
Yahoo = desp1969
Google Talk = MrHayesValleyLeather2008

Chat with me via my webpage (If Im online)

To everyone who followed this journey, I invite you to join me in my next one.

Ive been in SF now 4 years, and its been a great place to be. Thanks to my friends, family, and all the love in my life.

I have had a tough time keeping up with multiple blogs, and this one has been neglected. So much has happened since March and all of it can be found on my livejournal account.

Also places to visit for more updated info.

My Website - Mr Hayes Valley Leather 2008

My Myspace Page

Email Me

AIM = desmond94114
Yahoo = desp1969
Google Talk = MrHayesValleyLeather2008

Chat with me via my webpage (If Im online)

To everyone who followed this journey, I invite you to join me in my next one.

Ive been in SF now 4 years, and its been a great place to be. Thanks to my friends, family, and all the love in my life.

I won the title for Mr Hayes Valley Leather 2008 and will be competing for Mr San Francisco Leather April 5th, and for International Mr Leather Memorial Day weekend.

With this, I also have taken on more responsibility to my community, and getting involved more with different charitable organizations. Im looking forward to a year of hard work and making a difference in our community. Of course I cant do it alone and will most likely need the help of my friends.

Several places to find pictures of the contest which included pre-judging, casual leather, formal leather with a speech, and jock strap/physique.

Rich Stadtmiller

Ajax

UFO Norm on Flickr

Ran into several people while waiting to begin. Saw my LJ friend, whtbraces, whom I never met but have always enjoyed his blog. Turns out both him and his partner are really great people.

So filming started, and we started at 12th. We walked up a few blocks toward Castro, lit our candles, and started filming. On the way up we got to see on the sides James Franco who was filming one of his scenes. Can I just say WOOF!!?

After the initial filming, they weeded people down to people who are only in 70s garb, and got rid of everyone else. They continued filming with us for several takes before moving on. I really think we may have a chance of being in the movie but we wont know till October or November when its released. We finally continued to film more of the march scenes from Monday night (different location) and David and I were finally exhausted at 3am and left. We went to Orphan Andys for food, and came home and crashed.

What a great time.....

It was amazing! I arrived at Castro Theater not expecting much more than watching the documentary The Times of Harvey Milk. What I got was Gus Van Sant, Emile Hirsh, and several other actors, directors, and producers, on stage talking about the production and their connection to the movie and Harvey Milk.

Watching the film at the Castro Theater was fantastic. Seeing it on the big screen with a theater full of gays was great. Finally, when the movie was over they brought out the SF Marching Band and the SF Gay Mens Chorus.

Finally the shooting (not literally). Two marches, different settings. The first march was the march after Anita Bryants march on family values. It wasn't an angry march but one that needed to be done. The crowd started as casual, unfocused until Sean Penn Harvey jumped up on the stage and spoke. The crowd responded and followed him off and into the march chanting "Gay Rights For All". I got a whistle to blow *giggle*....

They filmed about 5 takes before changing the scene on the same march. As they did, I was amazed when I looked up and saw Sean Penn less that 3 feet from me. He really does looks fantastic as Harvey Milk and the makeup people did a great job.

The second scene for the march had us miming the chants and raising our fists. It makes me remember I'm just an extra by being so silent, however recreating the march made me feel even more connected to San Francisco and the gay community here.

The last scene (I stayed for) was to film the march after the Witchita rulings. For this we were supposed to be pissed. I had found a few people that I knew by now and joking around with each other made it difficult to be pissed off. I didnt expect to be a part of the film until I looked up and noticed more cameras on top of the Castro Theater sign. Who knows, I may see myself or people I know in this movie. How cool is that.

We did the scene about 5 times and before I could handle any more of the cold, I handed in my whistle and decided to grab food and a cocktail. I can hardly wait to watch the movie. This Friday will be another filming of a march. David and I will both participate in that. It should be more fun since he'll be there with me.

----
edited: some of the people on stage

photos from Localcolorist on Flickr

Emile Hirsh, Diego Luna, and Gus Van Zandt

Gus Van Sant

Rob Epstein (director of Times of Harvey Milk)