Desmond's World

July 06, 2007

Haight/Ashbury

Its kind of nice to have a photo featured on a new website. Its not one of my best photos but its really nice to have some kind of recognition.

Click Here to see the photo

Posted by Des at 05:25 PM | Comments (0)

March 02, 2007

Charlie Ross-One Man Star Wars Trilogy

Thanks to sukk and we talked with him on the way to MUNI. He agreed on how great the show was, and Im pretty comfortable saying we would all recommend seeing it.

throbbin. A guy approached us and his opening line was "youre going to do what to him?", speaking to throbbin quickly answered I dont do anything with people like that. The guy ran off quickly but not before saying "you just have that look". Now I know why we are approached by tweekers.

Needless to say I came home shortly afterwards and have to say, Ive had one of the best nights sleep in a while. Its Friday and going to be a great day. Tonight is pup patrol with throbbin, and I. Should be howling good time. WOOF

Posted by Des at 06:30 AM | Comments (0)

March 24, 2006

Beggars Can Be Choosers

This morning I watched a guy I see every morning on Muni, who I not particularly fond of, get harrassed for money, to the pont of fear, from panhandlers on the stret. He was forced to give them a dollar.

Now part of me says "better him than me" but another part felt sympathy. This guy is the type that would just as soon push you out of the way to get on the train, than actually wait in line. With this he is also the type to push you out of the way so a woman can get on.

He is an older man, gray hair, heavy, and kind of the lunpy type. I can appreciate chivelry, but when it comes to pushing me, I lose interest.

This morning I felt bad for him It was kind of a Lenny from Of Mice And Men.

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November 11, 2005

New Headset

Today I got a new headset. Its one that Ive wanted since I heard it was coming out in July. It was finally released recently and I finally got one of my own.

Now you may be thinking "whats the big deal, its just a headset?". Here's the deal. Its a bluetooth headset, that is also stereo headphones that I can hook up to my mac and use like headphones. It also has a retractable microphone so I can also use it as a headset with my cell phone.

Here's a list of the things that are great.

a) It works with my cell phone in stereo instead of just one ear.
b) It has the best noise cancelling Ive ever seen.
c) I can listen to music on my mac via bluetooth
d) It comes with an adapter for an ipod or non bluetooth laptop
e) When Im listening to music, and get a call, it beeps and I can switch to the cell phone.
f) It can be converted into wired headphones for traveling by air.
g) You can track forward, back, control volume, answer calls, and mute from the headset so I can just keep it on and be no where near my computer or phone and still switch and adjust it.

If those reasons arent good enough for you, then try 12 hours of talk time and 10 hours of listening time and can charge via USB port.

The Pulsar 590a is so far the best thing since I got my mac and treo 650.

Posted by Des at 06:12 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 30, 2005

Shooting Stars

This morning, after an emotional dream last night, I awoke feeling good. It sucks when your own emotional issues are transferred to the ones you love the most through confusion and fear.

I am afraid. I need to work on this.

Leaving for work and walking down 17th to Muni, thinking about my issues and fears, I looked up. I saw a shooting star and quickly made a wish.

The train I normally miss, which I always want to catch, arrived in perfect unison with my arrival to Castro Station. The train didn't falter once and dropped me off at Van Ness with little time before the bus arrived.

I couldn't have had a better commute to work via public transit. It’s a Friday no less. I hope all the stars continue to be aligned and the rest of the day is the same.

We shall see.

I arrive at work with 20 minutes to spare. Nothing exploded. The Bagels are here already and there is coffee made. Am I setting myself up for a let down? Hmmmmm

Posted by Des at 04:27 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 10, 2005

Murder and Mayham

Last night work sponsored a murder mystery dinner at the Archbishops Mansion which is one of the oldest hotels in San Francisco. Located at 1000 Fulton Street, it was a fantastic place to explore. Learning some of the historical attributes, I found that the mirror above the bar, once belonged to Mary Todd Lincoln, and the chandelier which hung in the entrance foyer, was that of which was featured in gone with the wind.

With the actors mixing and mingling, we met Dick, the cop who was filty rich, his wife Dora who used to be a coat check girl, now rich lush who married Dick, Auntie Agatha who seemed a bit dillusional and over the top with her wit, charm, and drinking her tea (she only drinks tea). We met Dudley, her dimwitted nephew, as well as Shirley Holmes who wore a black veil out of mourning her late grandfather. We met Marmaduke the mystic, who solved his crimes through his psychic abilities. Nancy was late as well as Julius Alexander. Together they were the slueths in the murder mystery.

To make a long and fun evening shorter, the first found dead was Julius with a note that said "I will prove Im the best slueth". One by one the slueths started dying. Marmaduke had Julius's famous corkscrew in his head. Yes he got screwed on that deal. The Dora, the Nancy (who was really one in the same with Shirley). All that remained at the end were Dick, Auntie Agatha, and Dudley.

As for dinner, I had the salmon and Josh had pork. Not the greatest dinner but still good. We had wine and wine and wine and cheesecake for desert. Josh had cheesecake AND the chocolate almond cake. I guess all you have to do is ask lol.

Overall it was a fun time. Josh finally got to hang out with my coworkers and decided that there are actually a few he likes of course the wine may have helped with that one.

Posted by Des at 07:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 02, 2005

A few quick things ....

So yesterday was the first day of the new fairs on MUNI. They raised the price 25 cents. No biggie, however there are people protesting the increase. There was a guy at the corner of Market and Van Ness, while I was waiting for the bus, telling people to get on and not pay. He said "the cops wont bust you" lol. Makes me wonder how smart some people are.

Up until 2002, MUNI didnt raise their fares and was $1 to ride. In 2002 they raised it to $1.25. Now nearly 3 years later, they realized that they needed to raise the price in order to pay for the increase to costs and their failing budgets, so they raised it as of September 1st to $1.50. I think $1.50 is great compared to most cities.

I wonder how smart these protesters really are considering if people arent paying to ride muni, then that increases their cost even more, which will in turn raise the price again, and again, and again. Perhaps if they just accepted it and paid the new fair, prices wont go up so quickly. It seems so obvious to me but apparently the obvious isnt always recognized by some people.

On another note, work gave us $150 to spend on new clothes since we had a record breaking week last week. I saw a leather vest that I would love to get at Worn Out West for $125 and was thinking it would be a great time to finally get one. Ive wanted one for a while now and never really had the money to do it. I got to try some on and I really liked the way it looked on me but cant help but think that I should probably buy new pants and shirts instead. hmmmm..... decisions decisions.....

With that, tomorrow Josh and I will go clothes shopping. Im going to keep the vest in mind and look at other stuff. We shall see what happens.

So Labor Day and a 3 day weekend? I get to work. YAY! Steve brought me home a project yesterday which Im kind of excited about. His boss wants a 20th Anniversary DVD made and he thought of me. I take that as a great compliment and although Im very confident I can do it, Im a bit scared at the same time. Ive never done anything like this for money. Either way, its an extra couple of hundred dollars which can go toward bills. Maybe a leather vest instead but again we'll see.

Summer has finally hit here and if its nice on Monday we may just go to Baker Beach for the day. Ive been wanting to get back there since last year Labor Day. The sun has been shining, temps have been around 70, and this should last through October. Hooray for Summer.

So basically everythings great for the time being.

Posted by Des at 06:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 12, 2005

Today Part II

So work went quickly enough as it usually does. Not a lot of stress. They brought me in brownie bites and lemon cake for my birthday. It was kind of nice to be at a job where they actually show they care about their employees by acknowledging their birthday.

The last job, at CIGNA, which I shall now refer to as "that job" (for those who remember back while I was working there I had "that woman" to deal with), I was accused of being too peppy and cheerleader like when I suggested a birthday club. No one wanted to participate, even though I would have taken on the extra work to make it happen. God my life has changed so much for the better since "that job".

So after work I come home to an envelope in the mail from Excellus. After leaving the job just over a year ago, and getting everything I thought I had coming, I was surprised to see something in the mail from them. My first thought was that a friend who still works there sent something and then dismissed that idea for perhaps some kind of junk mail that would end up in the garbage. Surprisingly enough, it was a letter telling me I had enough time in there to receive a small pension. It wasnt a lot of money when I retire but just the same it was surprising to find out I had anything.

On to more exciting things. Chat Client!!!! For those of you who dont know (which is probably few), its a chat download that works with the gay.com server. The mac version has never been as good as the PC version although it looked pretty and had a few features that were different, unique and quite enjoyable. Still Ive longed for a better version. Now it seems they have it and Im quite pleased with the download. Still not quite up to par with the PC but its the closest thing yet. Im very pleased with that.

So thats about all. Heading down to Daddys tonight for a couple of drinks with Ste3ve. Ill probably make it an early evening since I have the baseball game tomorrow. I cant wait!!!!

Posted by Des at 08:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Another Week Bites The Dust

Its Friday morning and its been a busy week both at work and at home.

Im looking forward to the A's game tomorrow with my friend Rick. We're taking BART out to Oakland which will be my first time out to Oakland (and riding BART) since I was laid off at CIGNA.

Tomorrow night we are having our first get together of friends. We have about 10 people coming over for drinks and socializing. Wow we actually know people here now.

The party is sort of for my birthday Sunday but for me its been something Ive waneted to do for weeks now.

Sunday there are no definite plans but seeing how its the normal beer bust day and Josh will be intraining for a possible massage job, it seems beer bust would be a good idea.

So busy weekend and Im sure it will go by quick. Ill keep you posted.

Posted by Des at 03:57 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 29, 2005

The World Does Revolve Around Me

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a stranger? The faces, the expressions? Have you ever wondered what they are thinking at those times that seem so mundane such as waiting for the train at 6am?

Everyone is thinking something different. Perhaps about you? Most likely something unrelated to anything you could be thinking.

Truth is, we dont always realize that people are living their own lives. The world is revolving around them and in their mind it should be.

This thought came upon me this morning as I was walking to work. There is a woman standing on the street with about 10 small pieces of luggage. Next to her is an older man, perhaps her father. They are trying to supervise the guy who drives the shuttle, telling him how to put the luggage in.

Another woman stands in the doorway, obviously looking to stand out of sight yet stay involved. She is also supervising.

These people have np idea that Im walking. They are going about their lives as if I dont exist at all. In their world I dont and when my walk is interupted by a sudden turn by the older man, my interuption becomes his. Its all about him.

This got me thinking while waiting for the train. Everyone waiting, watching the new people walk down the stairs, judging how they look, how they dress, and who they are.

Some are wondering when the next train will arrive, or will they get to work on time. Some are thinking about family and friends. Their family and friends. Things that have nothing to do with us.

The world is their oyster and I am just a grain of sand. I wave to an oyster I know as I walk into work.

Posted by Des at 05:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 24, 2005

New Job, the untold story

So Im finding more and more amneties to the job which I havent mentioned yet so far. Of course there are a few downfalls as well.

First off is the fruit. Fresh, organcic, banana's, cumquats, pears etc... Delicious and free.

The other is working through lunches. Yeah I know for most it would seem like a plus but they not only pay you the OT, they buy lunch too. For someone like me, who is used to working through lunch, it a bonus. As long as I get a few quick, nicotine fixes in there, Im fine with it.

The last thing that I should mention is the free coffee they supply. Coffee or hot cocoa, tea, or whatever your preference may be, its free to help yourself.

With this said, and the fact I dont have to ride BART, it makes up for a lot that was lacking in pay. I figured it out and it comes out to be an extra 2600 year on an average.

So amneties. It seems Im getting enough with all of the above and yet there are still Weekly Incentive Payouts (WIPs). ideas and suggestions are always welcome and you are rewarded money if they make it happen. There are also incentives based on sales totals per individual. These are available from the beginning. Full WIPs are a percentage of sales, minus the costs and a few other calculations which end up being a lower base pay but a percentage that could range from $5-$10 per hour additional.

As for the people I work with, I have to say they are actually a fantastic bunch of people. Now that Im seeing personalities and getting to know some of them better, they all seem pretty happy in their every day lives as well as at work. Thats definitely a plus for me after the last job where it seemed like most people either a) complained about everything b) were too set in their ways and looking for things to go wrong because thats what they were used to or c) neutral as far as work relationship and friendship relationships go. Only 2 qualified for that department.

So with all that said, the job seems to be worth the chance Ive taken with it. Hopefully it will continue and Ill see more and more opportunities to make extra money. Im glad Im giving it a chance so far.

As for the only downfall, I dont seem to get out of there on time. In the future when everything settles down more, I wont have this issue but for now I have so much to do bfore moving. Its not too much of an issue and since I talked to them about it, they seem responsive and Ive been out of there at 3:30 the past few days.

From my perspective I have no problem being on time and they expect that. In the same respect where I can understand there need and be there on time, I think they should understand my needs to leave on time. Enough said.

So the past few says we have been cleaning. The landlord is showing the apartment this weekend so we've been busy with that. Last night Josh was a maniac with cleaning, and took on the bathroom. As most of us know, its the place np one wants to clean. He's braver than me.

This weekend ahead is pride. Saturday Im heading with Josh for a few hours Burning Oyster Paradox, which is a work space he is planning on getting involved with. The Pink Party starts around 7pm and Im hoping to get there right about that time, and Sunday is the parade. Friends and fun for all.

Hopefully pictures to come soon

Posted by Des at 04:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 18, 2005

Day 3 and Margaret Cho

Yesterday was day 3 and I hope I didnt push the boundries a little. I gave some feedback as to what I was experiencing with the training so far. They've been asking for it so I finally mentioned some things that didnt seem to be working. I havent gotten a response back really but explained that certain things worked for me and why, while other things didnt. They seemed to understand.

As for everything else about the job, it seems to be going well now. Guess I just had to give it a chance. It seemed a bit more high tense when I started and now I am looking around and seeing the people. The regular people.

Last night was Margaret Cho. We started off with dinner at The Sausage Factory which seemed to take forever and a day since there was a huge party going on. They sat us in the back room (which none of us knew exhisted) right next to the long table of about 20 people.

Food was finally brought to our table around 8:45 and we had gotten there around 7:45. Thats quite a wait. Food was good, as it usually is at The Sausage Factory but being the wait was so long, there wasnt much time left to get to the theater. Finally we arrived around 10pm and had a short wait to get in and for the show to begin.

So can I just say, I didnt stop laughing. It was absolutely fantastic. The show was a bit more political than Ive noticed in the past, but mix it in with gay humor, and her mom and you have a success. I mean she didnt let up on the Bush administration or the republican party. One of the best lines was about Arnolds statement "we need to block the borders and keep the foreigners out". I cant wait for the DVD to come out even if it was being filmed somewhere else.

It was my first real "getting out" experience here in SF and it felt good. It was down at Davies Symphony Hall which there was some reference to in the beginning of the show (for those of you who dont know, she grew up in my area).

Davies Hall was big on the outside but seemed so small on the inside. The lights were brighter than usual with several square light fixtures hanging from the ceiling. It had more of a modern look to it and seemed snooty, yet comfortable all at the same time.

Needless to say, the concert didnt get over with until 12:30 and it was on our way home right after. Calvin & Dave (Steve former roommates) had to drive back to Sacramento and Josh needed to head to Santa Cruz early in the morning.

Posted by Des at 07:51 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 17, 2005

Day 1 & 2

Well I guess there really isnt much to write except the new job. Ive only been there 2 days and somehow get the feeling I could have done better. Im planning on giving it a fair chance before making any decisions and we will see how it goes.

The first day was pretty much the tour and the do's & dont's of it all. Cell phones off completely which tends to be a bit strict for my taste. I can appreciate the fact they dont want interuptions but I also have it for emergency situations. I dont like feeling isolated from my family if there does happen to be an emergency.

The other thing was a feeling of being repremanded before doing something wrong. It was a feeling of "if you do this, this is what will happen".

Another thing that got me was the "we have meetings that are after work time". It was the first day and I escaped it because I already had plans before I knew about the meeting but it was the whole "You should stay, its fun and you get paid overtime" thing that got me. Anyway, that was the first day.

The second day was a bit better. Learning more about headsets and products. Learning more about the phones and filemaker (which I cant believe they use for their database). It went by smoothly and I was out on time.

Every night we check in with the customer service manager as well as the CEO himself. It felt like a drill on how much you've learned which I wasnt expecting. Although I learned a lot, the questions that were asked just didnt seem to go with what I learned. All is good and day 3 should be an improvement.

After work, I got home, Josh was out to tea with a friend. All was good until several things happened at once. The cable went out (including the internet), Josh called and left his lights on and his car was dead, my current landlord called to discuss moving out arrangements and showing the place, and I went down to sit with Josh while AAA was coming.

They took over 2 hours to get there and by that time I was starving for food. Steve got home from work and met up with us. Once his car was jumped we took a ride to Noe Valley to a restaurant Josh had wanted to eat at for his birthday. The place was Incanto which I will never eat at again.

The place was loud, cold, and more of dining than a "lets grab something to eat" kind of place. There was no non alcoholic beverages on the menu and instead of bread they had this weird diced olive dip. For those of you who know me, I hate olives. With all of that combined and the time being late, I was a bit unhappy with it all. For the prices, the portions could have been better.

Anyway, today is Friday, the weekend off, and tonight is Margaret Cho. Im excited. Josh is heading to Santa Cruz this weekend for a conference on building your practice. His practice has started to grow and I foresee it growing even more.

Im really happy about that and really hoping it works out well. Im sure it will.

Until next time, lots of hugs

Posted by Des at 05:47 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 10, 2005

Should the dance be worth a dime or a quarter?

So the work situation is finally coming to a close. I went yesterday for my full day interview which went really well. I got a feel for the people who work there and am really pleased with the overall company. Just one slight problem. The pay isnt exactly what they advertised.

So what Im now faced with is a great company, great hours, great people, and pretty much a great place to work. Its a new company thats expanding and there are so many places to go with it. The question is, can I afford to take such a drastic cut in pay.

Several things Ive considered are a) the peace of mind of not having to job hunt anymore b) not having to be on unemployment and saying I have a job c)flexibility in scheduling since they are willing to give me a few days off in July when I have company coming d) there are perks and advantages and the main reason is e) If I want a company to take a chance on me, then I should be willing to do the same.

Ive weighed out happiness at a job vs. money and happiness I know is worth a lot more than any cash could give me although cash does provide me survival and paying my bills. Cash also provides me with things I want without having to struggle to get them. So do I go with my gut or with my head? Thats the question.

I also have an interview today for a part time job as a bartending instructor. We will see how that goes and perhaps the two jobs together will be enough to do the things Id like to do. Perhaps everything will fall into place and it will be exactly how Id like my life to be. I know.... Dream on! Life isnt perfect or as my sister would say to my nieces and nephew "Life's not fair!".

So that puts me at the weekend and choices. Steve would like us to go to Sacramento pride this weekend which Im not certain I want to go. It would mean staying the night (perhaps) and Im not sure Im up for a weekend road trip although Id love to get away to a new city and new bars for some excitement and fun.

Tonight Josh wants us to go to some Nomi event they are having at Stud. Its a movie they saw the other night which I stayed home. I dont know a lot about it but havent been to Stud since Ive been here and now thats over a year ago. I think if anything, Id like to stick to Castro (go figure) and just hang out here for the night. If its my last weekend of being unemployed, I think Id rather have an easy weekend then venturing off and doing new things. Other stuff sounds rather exhausting to me.

Other stuff today: Taking pictures of the new apartment which I didnt get to do yesterday because I was bogged down with thoughts after getting home from the interview. I rescheduled for today and will do that this afternoon. Hopefully Ill have pictures to post next entry.

Posted by Des at 07:41 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 03, 2005

Things may be looking up

So there looks like theres light at the end of the tunnel. Nothings for certain of course however I had a second interview yesterday with the broker. You may remember him from a few weeks ago's interview where I didnt hear anything back. His Assistant was planning on leaving in June to go work for her husbands business and here it is June.

Anyway, Im not sure if it was the "Thank You" card I sent for the first interview or just my resume and the first interview, but here I was in the office getting evaluated. It seems like every job wants to evaluate me. Is this the new trend in hiring?

The interview went well and he told me he was going to be out of town till Tuesday so I wouldnt hear anything before then. We shall see what happens.

Today I had my interview with headsets.com which also went well. They are a bit stiffer with their hiring practice but I got the feeling it was to weed out the people who didnt want to "work" to get the job. To me it said challenge.

From the beginning I knew the place was different when I read their posting on craigslist. They didnt want a resume but rather a letter stating certain specific things. Josh brushed it off quickly when he read it but I was up for a challenge. I sent a letter and yesterday they called.

That was the first phone interview which again I thought was different. They had me answer questions like "how do you spell financial?" and "if one item is 99.95 and another was 69.95, how much would the total cost be". After 9 questions, and passing, they invited me in today for a face to face.

This also went well even after spending nearly 3 hours there. They tested some more with similar questions, as well as some ethics questions regarding the customer service position and the company. After passing the round, he gave me a list of 7 people I needed to call for phone interviews including the CEO. Its hard to believe a CEO would take the time to interview but in this case its the truth.

They are one of the fastest growing companies in SF and really want their staff to be the best. Sure this could be propaganda that Im just eating up but if the pay is right, they are as easy going as I think, and the work environment is as great as I experienced today, then I believe it could be the best opportunity yet.

Not done yet with the process. After I interview with the 7 people, I will in turn go back again and sit with some of the reps and find out what I can. Everyone I saw today seemed to be happy with their jobs. Everyone was smiling. When I say everyone, Im really meaning everyone.

So next week Ill be working on that some more. I also have an interview for a part time position in the evenings, with a bartending school. I thought "why not take a different approach to my bartending skills?" so I sent a resume to a school which I saw was hiring. At the time I sent the resume, I was aiming for anything. I hadnt heard back from the broker and headsets.com hadnt called.

After receiving the calls, I figured why not evaluate my options? So thats where Im at for now.

In other news, yesterday I got to see Josh's new office. Its set up in a chiropractors office and its fantastic. He had his very first paying client yesterday. It really made me feel good seeing him get the room ready for his first client. Im sure he felt pretty good as well.

So now he still needs to build his client base and eventually Im sure he will continually be booked solid. I have a lot of faith in his skills and have received several sessions from him over the course of his training. The founder of Heartwood always asked for him and I can only take that as a huge compliment to Josh.

He also has an interview Monday for a steady position which would be based on commission. Its with the YMCA and the commissions would come from members who want massage. That there could lead to a steady income as well.

Did I mention things are looking up? Next week should be more informative for both of us and Im predicting July 1st things will all be falling into place. I predict we both will be steadily working and we will be moved into the new apartment by the 4th. Just in time for Jasons visit.

Other things Im looking forward to lately is Margaret Cho on stage on June 17th and Pride weekend on the 26th. This summer should be fantastic!!!!

Posted by Des at 08:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 20, 2005

Marrying Your Cousin????

So last night was Star Wars. We went to the 10:30 show which let out around 1am. We grabbed a cab and dropped Rick off and proceded home.

Ariving home at 1:30am is bad enough when you have to catch a train and be up at 5:30am. its worse when the double shot espresso venti raspberry mocha I had at 9:30 keeps me up till 2:30am. So here I am with 3 hours sleep, on a train headed for Rpseville, with Josh's cousins wedding this afternoon.

I am hoping to get some great wedding pictures to add to my collection as well as some experience at photographing a wedding. Perhaps not the traditional wedding, but a wedding none the less.

Im not sure if Ive mentioned it but today Josh is marrying his cousin. I love saying it that way because it sounds so profound. Actually what he is doing is officiating the wedding and he will get to pronounce them man and wife.

I never knew how easy it was to get that kind of power. It starts me thinking about gay marriage and all. Why not a revolution? Why dont all gay men and women become annointed (if thats the right word) and just start marrying each other. Isnt marriage to be recognized in the eyes of God? Yeah the state and federal government will most likely not cave in and give equal rights but I cant help wonder if its for the money or the sanctity of marriage thats more important to people.

Next time!!!!

Posted by Des at 07:49 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Frustrations and Deal Breakers

Once again Ive dropped the ball on keeping up with the journal. Not much has happened but a few highlights have been job hunting, apartment hunting, and as of last night Star Wars Episode 3.

Apartment hunting has been a chore. We've looked at several places (perhaps too many) in hopes to find that perfect place we all agree on. Steve & I had pretty much given up and just wanted the ordeal to be over even though we hadnt really found anything useful.

The best place we had found was in Noe Valley. Plenty of room, weird living room (the layout was weird). It was 2 floors with a beautiful spiral staircase going up the center from the living room tpo the kitchen.

2 small issues with the place. First its in Noe Valley and second the bathroom is off the kitchen.

Now Noe Valley is about a 10 minute bus ride to Castro and the bus stop is only a block away. That would be fantastic if we werent already living walking distance Castro and used to the scene.

I realized then that I enjoy being in Castro and really dont want to live in any other neighborhood unless I have to. The other thing I thought of was having guests from out of town. Its nice to be right on Market St where we can show off by walking there. Not to mention if we are occupied, they wouldnt have to deal with the frustrations of figuring out *and* riding the bus.

The bathroom off the kitchen was just from experience and growing up in a farm house with that feature. Having a house full of 9 people and a bathroom off the kitchen was a bit hard to stomach at times. We eventually closed off the door to the kitchen for that reason and just used the other door which came off the living room.

The place we are in now has that same layout. Here it doesnt seem as bad as then, however I still have the thought in my head that it has the potential.

Finally we decided to look at 2 more places. They both said upper Market/Castro which was exciting. Perhaps one of these would be the one. Steve had to work (and I would imagine he was glad so he would have to apartment hunt anymore).

The first was a fantastic, year and a half old, condo. Beautiful new appliances, huge bedrooms, huge living room, fireplace, and secure parking. No parking is a huge deal breaker for Steve. Josh loved the place and I thought it was great as well.

So whats the issue you wonder? Well 2 things. First it was so far up Market it wasnt even close to Castro. In fact it wasnt really Castro at all. Again we have the bus issue and Ive already decided that was a deal breaker for me.

The other thing was the neighborhood. It was close to Forest Hill Muni Station, which I had dubbed a while ago as the dirtiest, scariest, station in SF. Quite frankly it lessons the neighborhood just by its existence.

The other place we looked at was definitely Castro. In fact it was only a couple of blocks from where we arw now. I loved the place. HUGE sliding glass deck upstairs with 180 degree view from Twin Peaks to Castro, extending beyond all the way to the bay. You could even see the pride flag flying over Castro. Huge bedroom upstair, 2 small ones downstairs, 2 bathrooms, washer & dryer, lots of storage, and another (more secluded) deck with huge sliding glass doors which come off both the downstairs bedrooms.

The problem? The kitchen consisted of an old electric range. Im not so sure it was the fact that it was electric (although that was a problem) but more the combination of being old and electric was the problem. Josh who does a lot of cooking, would have a tough time with it. This was the deal breaker for him.

So its about comprimise. How do we all comprimise so that we arent sacrificing the things we want (or dont want for that matter). Between apartment hunting and job hunting things have become frustrating for all of us.

After talking about things more, I give Josh a lot of credit. We decided on the place I liked with an intent to buy our own electric stove to put in. This would make him happier and I give him credit because he not only gave up on the place he loved, but agreed to the one I liked.

This was his first time apartment hunting and was really excited to be involved in the process. He was excited lpoking, excited to have a say in it, and really wanted it to be something we all could live in. I totally know where he was coming from with it all. I still feel in many ways that he is giving up the most & love him greatly for it.

So now we have to apply. That will be an issue Im sure but I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will all pan out like it should. I had an interview yesterday and have another phone interview on Monday. I heard frpm another place yesterday which I have to call to schedule another one.

I have to say I am such a loser but for a different reason than I originally thought. I was feelong like a loser because I had sent in many resumes and hadnt heard a word on any of them. I dropped off a ton of bartending resumes in Castro and thought someone would call me but nothing. Then yesterday I realized I forgot to put my email address on them.

Needless to say yesterday the calls started pouring in and they were from the original resumes I emailed. Guess Im not the loser I thought I was but more a loser for thinking I was to begin with.

Now for Star Wars. I enjoyed it but the way they tied it all together wasnt completely to my liking. Steve and Rick liked it a lot. I wont give much more detail for those who may see it in the future but Ill end this entry here with saying "oh my god, I cant believe Darth Vader is Lukes father". I feel a deja vu coming on.

Posted by Des at 01:47 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 08, 2005

Weird Dreams and Some Days Youre Hot

Should have known walking down the street when a guy gave me "that" look. Eyed me up and down and I played it off like some guy who was an oddball and looked at me as some object of obsession. I should have known and bought a vowel that the rest of the evening I was going to be popular. It could be the fact I dyed my hair back to a nice ash color. For those of you who didn’t know, I bleached it a week ago, which I found not to my liking. So here is my day in a nutshell.

I guess it started this morning when I awoke from a dream. Not to get into detail (no prison and no pissing) but to tell you the basics. In the dream my mom lost her cell phone. In my dream my grandparents were contemplating my mom moving in with them.

After talking to my sister, these things came true. She had talked to my grandmother who wants my mom to move in with her. She talked to my mom who had lost her cell phone for 2 hours today. Weird but true and an odd night to follow.

After dinner with Steve I went to the Mixx. After 5 minutes there, sitting by myself, this HOT guy walks in. He looks around and obviously doesn’t know anyone. He stands next to me out on the patio. I’m thinking "should I say hello" "perhaps he doesn’t want anyone to talk to him". Finally I decided to talk. He finds me hot and we hit it off. Just then a group of people that know him walk in. He moved from NJ, has a closed relationship with a guy in the air force stationed in TX, and now has to "be good". Did I mention 24, hard body, beautiful smile, and perhaps a guy you would see on a magazine? HOT. You get the picture.

Next was the Edge where I ran into Allan. There were so many cute guys complimenting me along with an older guy who repeatedly looked at me and said WOW! Over and over again. It was really an odd feeling for me. I met several cute guys and ended up following them over to Daddy’s and then to Moby Dicks, where I got to know a couple of them a bit better.

So tonight I was hot (at least to a few people). Some nights I’m not. I’m glad I went out tonight because it was definitely an ego boost.

So for the world of unemployment this week, I made a couple of phone calls(One to Josh's friend Astrida in NY who was VERY helpful), I got some paper work done for school, and actually seem to be moving smoothly. Ive also been out every night drinking, just because I can *smile*. Of course this will only be for this week primarily, and then I go back to isolation again lol. Just needed somewhat of a vacation.

Posted by Des at 08:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 18, 2005

The Day After

So my first St. Patricks Day in SF. I decided to spare a day of my weekend budget money (most likely tonight), and go out with my friend Rick.

Lets see.....We met at the corner of Market & Castro, the usual meeting place. He dropped his coat off at Badlands so I knew we would make a stop there.

He wanted to buy a collar so we headed over to one of the many porn shops in the castro. A chain collar to go with his outfit which consisted of a carebear with a clover on the front (I dont remember the actual name of the carebear) and a green combination lock (for the collar of course).

I also ran into my friend Ian and finally gave him my cell number. Hopefully we can hang out again sometime but he's always on the go.

So begins the bar hopping for Guiness beer. A quick walk through of the Mixx, to Moby Dicks, Daddys, The Edge, Detour, back to Badlands, and finally back to Mobys.

Several beers later, and running into people I actually knew (finally Im getting to know people), a good time was had and it was time to head home.

So this morning was rough getting up. The alarm was annoying so I shut it off and fell back to sleep. I got up about 20 minutes later and finally off to work.

Sitting on the train once again typing this out. BART once again has delays and trains are down. At least its Friday & who could ask for more?

Now for the rest of my day.
So its Friday and once again it was nice to get a free lunch. Kwanza was nice enough to buy since I was going. Normally I refuse but knowing how my finances are I accepted and really appreciated it.

So lately Ive gotten in the "I dont feel like working" mode which I know Ive mentioned before. Today around 2pm I started slacking. I know its probably not the best mentality but I just cant help but think "so what?". It will be over in 2 weeks.

As for tonight Ill probably just stay in and watch a movie. Havent completely decided yet so we shall see. Its supposed to rain all weekend so if there is a time to stay in and veg it would be now.

Thats about it. Till next time.

Posted by Des at 04:45 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 11, 2005

Great Day, Little Sleep

This morning, so far, has been great. Up early (3am) and decided to venture
out. I was just in the mood to get out and enjoy the early morning so I was
down in Castro by 6:30am.

Its so relaxing not having the regular noise of the early morning. I hopped
the train and came to Embarcadero figuring I would walk around aimlessly and
see what was in store for me. I had to be here anyway for part two of the
workshop so I figured Id get a 2 hour start and explore.

I cant tell you enough how fantastic its been. The sun is shining and the
birds are chirping and its near 70 already (not to mention its Friday).

I found a cute little park and had coffee in Embarcadero One. For those who
know Embarcadero Center, you know it has four parts. I was a little
disappointed that there wasnt anyplace around with "free" wireless but I
paid $5 for a one day pass to the coffee house (which I signed on one and
then ventured off). *chuckle*

Along the walk, I ended up at the peer at Fishermans Wharf. The first time
I actually walked to the end of the peer to stare out over the bay.
Fantastic! I never realized people actually get up at day break, take their
fishing poles, and actually fish on the peer. Who'd of thunk it at
"Fishermans Wharf".

So with that I was heading back to California St for my meeting with plenty
of time to spare. I stopped at the light to cross the street and pushed the
"walk" button (which in my experience has never worked). Now I wonder, why
do people (like in an elevator or cross walk), walk up and push the button
after its clearly already pushed? Do they think it may work faster? Did I
mention they never work?

It was all fine though because I was in a great mental state and there was a
cute guy crossing which I needed to watch more closely. I took some more
pictures along the way and ended up back at Embarcadero Center. As I was
taking pictures there, a security guard came up and advised me that I wasnt
allowed to take them without permission. *chuckle* I already got the ones
I wanted and had to get to the meeting anyway. I kindly apologized and
walked off.

Here I sit at Starbucks with about 20 minutes to spare. The meetings across
the street so I can be there in a jiffy. Now Im on to part two of the
workshop.....

So the day was ok. First, Im not sure if I explained the stuff from Wednesday, but we learned a lot about resume's. The questions I had asked based on my old format, was kicked down and dragged through the mud. So, me being a good sport, revamped it the way she wanted. Wrong!!!!

She crossed out stuff, wrote all over it, and pretty much told me what needed to be done. Little did she know, the stuff she was telling me, was exactly how my resume was to begin with. I guess I should learn to trust my instincts.

With that, we got done around 2:30 and I was home by 3:15 instead of the normal 4:45. A nice bonus for a Friday. I also discovered my Mac-Mini came early which practically made me orgasm in my tracks lol. I wasnt expecting it to be delivered until Monday but definitely hoped for it to come earlier.

Anyway, Im now trying to decide if I want to go out this evening. I spent most of the afternoon playing with the computer, setting things up, and getting it up and running. Its all working out great, however in the process I forgot to take my nap. Too late now I guess.

So here I live and type from the new computer debating if I want to stay in and clean some more. I wasnt expecting my new baby so early, and the room wasnt really ready. I have speakers to set up still, wires to hide, desk to clean, and a whole bunch of crap to find places for (keep in mind, I dont have any room to spare lol).

So I will keep you posted. More later, but for now, happy Friday.

Posted by Des at 07:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 14, 2005

My Journey for a Sub

So to begin with, I thought about the move which has now been over 7 months. Its become home and although theres several people I miss in Rochester, I feel like CA is home.

I remember when I was little, I always thought about how much I would love to live in CA. It was mostly based on my wanting to become an actor and the glamour of Hollywood. Either way, I always dreamed about it and now it really is like a dream come true.

Its almost like a destiny. Life that is. Not just mine but I suppose for many. What is destiny? I believe (and its only my opinion) that its where life will take us and where we will end up. Anyway, its kind of a spiritual feeling that I wish I could explain more in detail. If anyone else can do it justice, please feel free.

With that, living in CA isnt all its cracked up to be. Today, for lunch, I had a craving for a sub. Guess what? There really isnt any place to get a sub like the ones I was craving. The ones I used to get on the east coast. Every indication of a sub out here is a gormet sandwhich on special rolls or breads. Dont get me wrong, they are fantastic but today I wished there was someplace here where the sub was drenched in oil and mayo to the point where the paper its wrapped in is wet from the oil seeping through. But no, all we get is what looks good and is healthy. blah....

Well one good thing is that its only a craving for a day. There are so many great places to eat from Thai, Chinese, Sushi, Indian, Mexican, as well as many other cultures. It really is a great variety. It just happens today I wanted something I can only get on the east coast. On the same note though, every place out here serves sandwhiches on sour dough bread which I love and never really see on the east coast. I guess its all about balance.

So I will try and keep this part brief as not to offend anyone but I did learn today about the creation of the mexican heritage. I never knew how mexico or the nationality came to be. I was discussing with my friend Kathy at work (who happens to be Philipino) and she was explaining who and what area constitutes Pacific Islander. Since this is a term you dont hear on the east coast, I was curious. The pacific islander culture is big here on the west coast and once I understood the territories, we got on the discussion of the Mexican and Spanish culture.

She explained to me something that was disturbing, both because of the context itself as well as the fact its not in any history books. Apparently the spanish invaded america and proceded to rape the indian women who eventually gave birth to mixed children. Because they were mixed, they were not accepted by either community and driven to the southern regions. These mixed race of people became mexicans. I have to say, it just sounds too horrible to believe it actually happened like that but I guess I dont have any information that says different.

The last piece of info was emailing back and forth with my friends at Blue Cross. It was nice to hear from them and the one email that made my day was from Dorie. Now Dorie and I have this history involving my stuffed eeyore that I used to keep on my desk. This here after shall be referred to as "my ass" as in "Im playing with Des's ass" or "Ive got Des's ass and its all mine". When I left, I left my ass with Dorie.

Today in the email, she mentioned my eeyore. I explained I have a mug on my desk with Eeyore on it that I look at every day. The reply I received was exactly this. "I wish your mug was on my Eeyore". I dont need to explain the context of that joke I hope.

So Josh is here. He went to the aobta convention today and will be attending several sessions this weekend. We are relaxing at home and perhaps see what happens later. We will most likely go out for dinner which I really am looking forward to. I would like to go somewhere and sit down and eat. Perhaps dinner at Fuzios for pasta.

Posted by Des at 05:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 17, 2004

Party, Irritable, and a great ending

Ok, so 3 1/2 hours sleep and up at 5am... Did I mention UGH!

So I am exhausted and have to work. Thank God I have that training which I can sleep in. Ok perhaps not sleep but avoid everyone and everything that comes in my way.

The training was only till noon. My main thought at that time was getting home and taking a nap knowing Josh would be there. At 1:30, we were all given the option of going to a Christmas function at Chevys in Alameda which is just down the road from Oakland. Heres the catch.

If you choose to go, you get to leave at 1:30 to make it to the function from 2-4. If you dont go, theres security regulations that state a manager must be present in the office otherwise no one can be there. Everyone originally agreed to go because who wants a manager to have to miss the Christmas lunch because of you.

As of around 11am, I started thinking I wanted to stay. Theres a few reasons I wanted to change my mind. 1) I wasnt in a social mood. 2) the people I actually do like there, decided not to go. 3) I wanted to get home around the same time as normal so I could spend some time with Josh and take a nap (we were going to dinner and the movies with Steve and Chad) and if I stayed till 4 I would be hitting the BART late and getting home later than normal.

The outcome: 1) The managers had no idea the other 2 people were staying so when I asked if I could, they made it sound like I would be the only one. I played it off as having flexibility and I would NEVER want to be *the one* who made them miss the event. So in a way, I felt forced to go to an event that was optional. 2) the 2 girls who were staying got to take vacation time (which I would have been more than happy to do) and they got out of it so they werent even there. 3) the girl who I rode with, who promised to leave around 3:30 was a bit late leaving (which was understandable) and that made me just a bit late getting to BART. 4) Muni was slow and delayed in getting me to Castro. 5) I had to stop to buy xmas cards since we didnt have time to finish the one we were making. 6) get home and Josh went out with our friend Rick. 7) Josh decided to pick up Christmas cards after I mentioned I was going to get them but forgot.

The only good part of the party was that I had free food, free margaritas, and a free cosmotequini. I was grateful for the drinks and food.

So with all of this I decided to be angry, cranky, miserable, and downright crabby. I knew I was tired and needed sleep so I laid down.

No sooner do I lay down, Chad comes knocking at the door. Ok its 5:30 pm, Steve doesnt get home till 7. Why is he here? If this continues, I may have to politely tell him that from the time I get home from work, till the time Steve gets home, is my "personal space" time which I like to have to myself. Its the only time I really get the apartment to myself and its only for about 2 hours.

Irritated now from being woken up less than 5 minutes after closing my eyes, I let him in, told him to make himself at home, and went back in the bedroom to try and nap. I couldnt get to sleep. Josh gets back, I decide the world hates me, and pretty much needed to get out of that mood. Just having Josh there helped and finally around 7:30, I was up and about and ready to try and take another shot at making somewhat of a good evening.

We decided against the movies but went to dinner at Chow. Expensive but good. I still dont know if it was worth the price but the bill may have been more expensive due to the bottle of Red Zin that we drank. We had a great time and on the way back, we stopped at Tower Video and I bought Harry Potter (Prisoner of Azkaban) and March of the Wooden Soldiers. Steve and Chad were in his bedroom which was nice to have alone time with Josh. We watched half the movie and by now it was about 11:45pm, I was definitely in a better mood, and tired enough to fall asleep. I went to sleep mumbling about how I could sleep forever. Guess forever is only till 7:30am, because thats what time I woke up.

Saturday will be much better......

Posted by Des at 08:48 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 12, 2004

The week in review

So today Ive been pretty emotional. Im not sure why, but perhaps it was knowing as I was leaving for work that Josh wouldn’t be there when I got home. Ive teared up over a newspaper article about an art display that’s going on downtown which has a ceramic star for every military person who has been killed in Iraq. The idea is that people can take a star and leave it anywhere they choose. Im thinking about taking one to Rochester on my visit but not sure where I would want to place it so that it doesn’t get discarded and will serve the purpose that the display was intended to serve. Any suggestions?

So emotional yes. How do I sum up a great week with Josh except to say its been packed full of togetherness and quality time. To start with, he is now certified in shiatsu which is fantastic and he is 1/3 of his way through the course.

From his certification to his grandmothers house, to photo's, Embarcadero Center, shopping in China Town, The Container Store, Ross Ross Ross, Marshals, Barnes & Noble, and last nights adventure to Shalimar and Bed Bath & Beyond. Im sure Ive left many things out but you get the idea on what the weeks been like. Lots of shopping which I love, however cant afford much. I did manage to find a coat at the Ross here in SF which I believe will be *almost* warm enough for Rochester and plenty warm for SF. Its not a leather. :-(

Shalimar was fantastic. Josh has eaten there a couple of times in the past and now introduced me to it. They consider the type of food Pakistani and Indian which amuses me. The place reminded me of a Nick Tahoes type place with really good food. Of course minus the direlects and strays that wander in on occasion. The place looked in appearance like Nicks, and was in the middle of the ghetto (or at least what I would consider ghetto). Its definitely not the best neighborhood but yet people still come for the food. Interesting aye?

Getting home from work was a bit odd. I kept feeling like Josh was still going to be here. Even with seeing all his stuff gone, I still wanted to think that he was hiding in the closet and just going to jump out at any moment. I knew it wouldnt be the case but still couldnt help but think perhaps there was a chance.

I didnt really do much of anything this evening. Talked to Jason for a bit, talked to my sister for a bit, and got a hold of my friend Jay from Rochester who is in town for a few days looking at apartments. He should be moving here in December which will be cool. I am going to meet up with him for a drink or two at the Pilsner in a bit.

Until later, I bid you all farewell

Posted by Des at 09:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 05, 2004

My First 4 Day Weekend

Hooray, my first 4 day weekend. Man, I know its going to go by fast. Today dragged till the end of the day and my boss kept me there till 4pm. grrrr...... Just let me cut out early and make me happy damn it.

There must be something in the air this week. After going months with barely talking to anyone on the commute in or home, this week I met 2 new people. They seem to share the same route as me to and from Oakland. Ive noticed both of them in passing but this week it seems they felt like saying hi. Im glad they did.

The first was 2 days ago coming home on Bart/Muni. A guy who Ive seen while outside smoking, smiled at me a couple of times. We got of at Embarcadaro Station together and continued to cruise each other. Finally as we were getting off muni (not a lot of time to talk), he decided to introduce himself and say hi at least. He mentioned that he noticed me at work in Oakland, and it seems like we share the same route. His name is Greg and that was about all we had time to talk about.

The other guy, who's name is Do (its asian) spoke to me this morning. The other day when I got on Bart coming to work, he saw me sit down by the horizontal seats by the door. He sat across from me. I wasn’t sure then if he was cruising me or not. I mean he was cute, therefore why would he be checking me out. Anyway, this morning I get off Muni at Montgomery and head to Bart to catch the train in to work. I lean against the pole to read the newspaper, and he goes up on the other side of the pole and just leans there. Not a lot of eye contact. So we get on the train and there were limited seats. I sit in the first seat as he started to stand. I slid over (which I always do in order to let others sit down). He took that opportunity and sat next to me. Within seconds we were talking.

So his name is Do, he works at the VA pharmacy. He is originally from TX and has been here about 4 years. He has a good friend named David who graduated from Cornell University in NY and now lives here. He lives in the Noe/20th street area of the city and works out and plays tennis.

Interesting how much you can learn in about 15 minutes aye?

So I feel better than I have all week. No pain, no rash, no fever. Life seems to be going well. I dropped off my library book which was actually on time. Its funny, but even though all I have to do is get off the subway, and walk up the steps to the library, (its literally right there), and then get back on to continue home, it still seems like a chore when Im on my way home.

Either way, it worked out well. As I was walking up the hill to the house, there was Josh, walking toward me. We got to the apartment at the exact same time. He brought with him his friend Beverly from school, which was really nice to meet her. Hopefully we can do dinner sometime this weekend but for tonight I have laundry that deperately needs to be done. First off, the sheets need to be decontaminated after being sick. Especially to avoid getting Josh sick.

Tonight Josh cooked a fantastic dinner. Im not really sure what it consisted of exactly, but I know it was healthy (and it tasted good too). I believe it was some kind of pasta but everything is foreign to me. From what Im told it was very "heartwoody" which doesnt sound as bad as I had thought. It really was quite delicious.

So thats today. On to tomorrow......

PS: Happy Birthday Chris5

Posted by Des at 04:31 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 29, 2004

Welcome To My Day

So lets see. I napped yesterday for 3 hours, woke up and baked this fantastic cake, and slept another 10 hours through this morning.

So I think Ive figured out what caused the breakout but cant be sure. I think its a matter of switching flavors of coffee. I have been finding that there are so many spices out here that arent on the east coast which my 35 year old body has never come into contact with. Who knows there may just be some things I am allergic to. My arms broke out in a really bad rash and people have been telling me to go to the doctor. I guess Im just stubborn. Even Josh has said in one of his emails "Try not to take anything to suppress the symptoms if you can. LOL this is you I'm talking to, I just remembered you won't take anything until you *have* to. Good boy." Guess he knows me pretty well by now. *chuckle*

So the next part of my day came around 7:30 stepping off the Bart in Oakland. The sky in the mornings here are like a postcard so many times. On one hand Im glad I keep my camera handy but to capture the sky on so many occassions not only will eventually end up with so many similar pictures but will also eventually bore the people looking at them. Ill try to limit my expression in photography but would like to share this picture.

Isnt it amazing?

So finally the work day. We had the Halloween party which turned out well. Lots of food but I must say, they dont know how to party like the people I used to work with. They do however know how to do nothing all day lol. Seems like everyone takes the afternoon off and just lounges for several hours. I like that part lol.

After all was said and done, there was a couple of people I work with who really made me think. Not by things they said but by something they did.

I was reminded once again today as to what it was like being a kid, oblivious to the real world and thinking something we did would make a difference. In some ways I think perhaps we were brighter, more giving, and had a better understanding of what life was like for other people less fortunate. Today we had a party at work. When all was said and done, a couple of people I work with decided to bring what was left, over to the park, so that the people who are homeless here could enjoy it. It makes me wonder about Rochester and if that would have been an option or even a consideration. Is it the fact that California takes care of their homeless a bit more? Is it that people here are more caring?

I think back to when I was a kid, when we wouldn’t have hesitated to do something like that. We would have brought the left overs to the homeless because we knew they didn’t have much to eat. We knew that they were less fortunate than us. We had no concept of the drug use, the lying, the stealing, or the begging for money so that they can buy their next bottle of wine. We knew the bottom line which was they didn’t have what we had and it made us feel good to give a little. We didn’t care if it was only a little bit of ourselves, but still the fact it put a smile on someones face. I think that’s something I really don’t like about getting older and growing up. It seems the older we get, the more selfish we become and so many people think the opposite.

It was very touching.

A couple of last things to sum up the day is something I read in the paper this morning. Mayor Newsom here in SF was quoted in a speech last week as saying "No San Franciscan should be without a computer and a broadband connection". He plans on making SF a completely wireless internet city. How fantastic is that? From the way I see it, it could help the homeless and be so useful to help people at any given time, just by traveling with a laptop. You could do so much for the community.

Well thats about it for now. Tonight is Pilsner night. Not sure how much fun it will be but for the last few weeks its been pretty good. Wishing everyone a great Friday and a Happy Halloween.

Posted by Des at 06:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 08, 2004

God I hate titles

So my evening went well (my day written below).

I went out around 10pm to the Pilsner and for the first time, I had a really good time there. I first ran into this guy Joel who I had met a few times. He didnt recognize me when I waved to him and seemed kind of shocked that I did. To describe him, he is short, heavy, kind of a mix between a hippie and a yuppie, always intoxicated when I see him, and a nice guy (at least it seems that way). After he remembered who I was, he asked if I wanted to get high. I declined but said I didnt mind talking to him while he did.

While walking out to the back of the Pilsner, I got several looks. Good ones which really boosted my ego a bit. Man, what a difference a shower makes lol. While I was talking to him, my friend Logan came up and said hi. He also pointed out the fact that he was horny in a flirtatious way lol. He asked me to join some other gay.com chatters which I immediately did. They are the talkers in the main room and me being one of the same, thought it would be nice to meet some more guys who are open online. It turned out to be alot of fun. I did meet one guy in particular who I thought was very cute. He has a picture online but I guess I never really looked at it. He always talks to me online and has been really nice. I am thinking he is someone Id really like to become friends with.

I had 4 drinks and was drunk. God I am such a light weight these days. 2 scotch's and 2 beers. It could have been the constant smoke from pot that engulfed the air around me at all times. California has alot of pot heads here lol. I have to admit, I was tempted. Life seemed much easier to handle when stoned at times but I know that I cant mix alcohol and pot. It makes me dizzy, the world starts spinning, and I get head rushes that are enough to pass out sometimes. Good idea not to mix.

So after the 4 drinks, I was drunk, said good-bye to everyone and hopefully now that I know a few people it will be easier to go out on a Friday night. God it was nice to have that kind of environment back even if I was the *new* guy. I still couldnt help but think they arent billy, chris5, jarrod, jeffy, indy, or any of the other wonderful people I miss so much in Rochester. It is a great thing to know that its possible in the future.

On the way home (drunk), I ran into a guy I work with. God I feel like I made an ass of myself being drunk but he was too lol. Got home around 11:30, St3ve was home and Rick was here hanging out with him. Rick came in and gave me a hug. I wish I had the energy to stay up and hang out with him but I was tired so it was bed by 11:35 lol.

Chalk it all up for a good night....

________________

So today was a good day. I feel great and managed to get past some issues Ive been having. Im feeling stronger and more focused. Its funny how sometimes we let things get in the way of feeling better about ourselves and our lives which ends up creating a bunch of issues that really dont mean anything more than what is at face value. Ive decided I have no room for negative issues that dont mean anything to me.

So on to trivial stuff. Superman.... Not sure why this thought popped into my head but it did. I just wonder if Superman is going faster than a speeding bullet, how he is so focused that he doesnt do a world of damage along the way. How can anyone possibly be so alert that he doesnt accidently run into cars, people, etc... You know these things pop out of nowhere. Ok it really was a stupid thought but hey, not everything can be exciting and serious.

I am really beginning to like at least one person at work. Her name is Kathy and she is probably the sweetest girl. She actually understands what its like being new since she is fairly new herself. She actually has gone to bat for me on certain occassions which really made me feel good. She reminds people that the job is messed up and that its not easy coming in as a new person and not having a lot of what the job entails in writing. Seems most people who have been there for years have this stuff memorized which leads to many people having different information. I hear a lot of "oh there was an update on that", and "that was before you got here", and "that was true yesterday but its different today". So why didnt anyone tell us? Stupid company but they pay me lol.

So another thing that made me feel good was a couple of pictures that I took of the sunrise a couple of days ago. It was amazing and the pictures seemed to capture the moment. I got many compliments on it when I printed them and framed them. Kathy asked if she could have a copy which really made me feel good so I gave her my framed copies and will print another set down the road. I really felt like my photography skills were improving and to have someone want a copy, just makes me feel that much more confident.

So tonight I am going out for a bit. I will probably go to the Pilsner since its the "gay.com" thing to do on Fridays. I will most likely spend the evening standing around by myself like usual. I do kind of miss knowing people but in the same respect, with all Ive learned coming out in Rochester, it allows me to stand back and observe people. I havent done that since I was much younger.

I remember before I came out, my friend Paul and I used to sit outside the door or entrance to a party in the shadows and watch people as they entered. We wouldnt say a word but just watched. It was humorous to hear the different conversations people would have before joining the scene, especially when they are already drunk or high lol. God, I miss him and wish he was around. Its been almost 3 years since he passed away. I think of him often.

Ok, enough for now... shower time and time to look pretty. I will write more if I get the chance.

Posted by Des at 07:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 01, 2004

What will today bring?

Ok, I woke up, my eyes are bothering me from sleeping with my contacts in for the past week. I already snapped at a good friend of mine on AIM and I couldnt remember my password to my journal. Im wondering if I should just get back under the covers for the next 45 minutes before going to work.

One thing I did notice is the temperature is going down in Rochester. Yay! Sorry everyone in Rochester but Ive been waiting to see a difference in the climate and finally its going to be warmer here then it is there.

Ive noticed that the temps havent really changed all that much and because of it, it doesnt really seem like October has just begun. The weather seems to have stayed the same since I moved here although they do say October is one of the warmest months here in SF. Interesting but we will see.

So no visiting with grandma and aunt Barabara :-( Guess it didnt work out the way we wanted but Im sure we will make the most of a bad situation. Hopefully everything will be better. I wish Josh was around, it would make my morning so much better just to go back to bed and snuggle, hold each other, and sleep on and off in each others arms. That always makes me feel better.

I also decided this morning to pop into the Rochester chat room lol. How interesting. I found so many are still cowards and hide behind screen names without pics to say what they feel they need to say. I shouldnt expect any different but still that shit wouldnt fly out here. I got a pvt from a guy who asked if I was in Rochester. When I said sorry no, he decided that was a good time to ask me "ur one of those people who infected people with HIV and skipped town?". I couldnt help but chuckle. Two things pop into my head. The first being, how people automatically assume because you move away, that you are HIV pos and *had to flee*. For those who dont know, Im negative, have been for 35 years, and do plan on playing safe and keeping it that way. So my first thought was what a coward. I also thought about people who are so quick to dismiss the receiving end of it. Although Im not sure why people would intentionally spread HIV or anyone would allow themselves to contract it and not play safe is beyond me but the biggest puzzle is that everyone wants to place the blame on the person who gives it to someone. Isnt it just as much the other persons fault for being irresponsible and not protecting themselves? I mean without one you dont have the other and it works both ways. My suggestion to all that want to stay free of STD's (and of course theres always a chance if you are sexually active) but to reduce your chances of HIV, Syphillis, and the rhea sisters, I would suggest playing it safe and protecting yourself.

Ok off to work. More on my day later.....

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Ok, lets talk about strength for a moment. Where does it come from? How come its there when we need it the most? It seems like strength is a mind set. Right now Im feeling in control, take charge, and stop whining about everything thats going wrong. Stop worrying about those things I cant fix. I am emotionally strong and I am curious as to where it comes from. All I did was make the decision to be strong. Perhaps its making the decision along with the confidence in making the decision. Who knows but I found it. Who knows how long it will last. Just figured that was worth sharing.

Posted by Des at 05:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 24, 2004

Identities

I’ve finally figured out what has taken me 4 months to realize. I currently have no identity. I have been stripped of everything and left to start anew.

If you could imagine for a moment, having nothing left of who you are, where you have been, or where you are going. That is where I am right now.

My past is gone!

Nothing but remnants of what used to be, the life I used to have, and the people I once knew. Who I was? Who I am? I’m not too sure right now. Will it make me stronger, will it kill my existence. These are questions I’m battling every day.

I feel like my entire identity has been removed. I look around the bar and see fragments of people I once knew. People who remind me of people, of friends, of my life as I once knew it. I see actions, and gestures. I hear laughter in ways I was once a part of. I see sisters provoking sisters and having a good time.

I feel myself drifting, wondering, who am I? I once was a part of that. It was once who I was. It was once me.

Billy (who I might add loves a mention in my journal) would understand. I am now a small fish in a big pond where as before I was a big fish in a small pond. Its not easy being the sardine to so many sharks.

I went to the Pilsner Inn this evening and felt so invisible like I usually do going there. I had two drinks and decided to leave. I thought a lot about who I am and I honestly cant say I know. I wanted to stop, sit, and just think. I wanted nothing more than to be by myself. I wanted to escape in my own mind and just figure things out.

I thought if someone recognized me from gay.com (my picture), I could simply say, “ That’s right Amos”. Mr. Cellophane himself. Look right through me, walk right by me, and never know I’m there.

I went to The Mix and have to say, I already felt a change. People were nice enough to say hi. I didn’t stay more than 5 minutes before I went to Moby Dicks. I had 2 beers there and actually had a few people talk to me. I met this guy Jose who was nice enough to introduce me to his friends. Finally someone talking to me. How grateful was I? I have to say after feeling the way I’ve been feeling, it’s nice when people do actually notice you and even better when they talk to you.

I started thinking about age tonight. Am I too old for this? Do guys look at me as they do the trolls I used to remember? Do they think as theyre walking by “ eew he’s looking at me”? I know it’s my own self-consciousness but what if it is what theyre thinking? What if I am becoming that old man that people joke about? What if I am that person who is trying to look and act younger, not being able to let go of my youth? I don’t feel old yet I know the age. The age where you are now in your late 30s. The age where people stop looking and start noticing the gray hairs that are predominant in your hair. They notice the receding hairline. They notice that you aren’t 25, 26, or even 30. That awful 30 mark that everyone fears. You are now over 30.

Anyway, this may seem a bit depressing but it’s the thoughts that have run through my head. If anyone has any thoughts or ideas, I would love to hear them. Now that I’ve identified the issues, I can work to change them and make them better. I just have to figure out the path.

On other notes before heading to bed. I am looking forward to Josh being here tomorrow. We are going to an art show with a theme of San Francisco, by artists from San Francisco. I’m hoping it will help me remember the great things about the city and help me to understand more about where I am going. We are also thinking about a blanket, the park, and perhaps some Chinese food, and watching Twelfth Night by Free Shakespeare in the Park. It should be a fantastic day tomorrow and then Folsom on Sunday.

One of the highlights to mention is that my friend Shawn (aka fuglydude) is in town and out of the blue called tonight. It’s too bad we couldn’t meet up but hopefully I will get to see him on Sunday. It was great to hear from him.

Well off to bed and like always, thanks for reading. Good night and sweet dreams.

Posted by Des at 11:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 17, 2004

Friday... a work week complete

Theres many thoughts through out the day that just make me go hmmm and I forget to put them in writing. One being asian women. It appears that most asian women dress the same, have the same hair styles, and same mannerisms, however once in a while in this city which has a high asian community, you find *that* girl who decides she wants to break free from the heritage and be herself. Im talking about the ones who are more of a rebel and not the women who become *working women*. Its amusing to see that girl shouting at the man in the train station in chinese, japanese, etc...

You can observe but unless you know the language all you see is a girl yelling (and you know its profanity because anytime someone screams in a different language you know all they are saying are swear words. No regular words, just swear words). She is wearing the tight and I mean TIGHT pants, and a half shirt. Her hair has been straightened and cut in a punk rockish sort of way. She carries a tiny pink purse, stands about 5'2, and is thin not by nature but because you know she read it in magazine "where thin is in".

Ok, so all of these are stereotypes and assumptions but it shows you the kind of assumptions we make everyday toward total strangers. I wonder how many assumptions we make in one day. Another example would be when Josh and I were on the Muni one day when we first moved here and he said to me "I love seeing what kind of style people have in other cities" and he pointed to a few people that had extremely unusual outfits on. After thinking about that I thought "You are assuming they are from San Francisco, they could be from other cities around the world and visiting".

New topic, Ive really been feeling like things have gotten so confusing lately. Usually Im the type to have all my ducks in a row and have always credited myself for having a clue but lately Ive been feeling disorganized, out of focus, and find myself realizing things that Ive gone through before. Its kind of like a second time for everything including learning the negatives again. Josh on the other hand seems to have a pretty good grip on things and seems to be pretty focused. He has been presenting things that at the time I would like to disagree with but then after I think about them, I realize he has more of a clue than I did and its usually something that I would have known. Its like Im learning it for the first time again and once I learn it, I think to myself "Ive been through that and if I was still in the former life, I most likely would have had that perception on my own". Its funny how things revolve, life revolves, people revolve, and we always seem to come a full circle in life. Now that Ive come full circle, I guess its time to start a new circle.

I have to stop referring to Rochester using words like "back home". It's a tough habit to break and I need to start recognizing San Francisco as home. I guess its only been 3 1/2 months here but still every time I use words like that, I catch myself and realize that Im feeling like Im still just here on vacation. I need to start feeling more like my life is here now. Any suggestions? Anyone?

Ok so on the way home from work Im on the Muni and a blind girl gets on the already full car. She ask's a guy to get up so she could sit down and although he did, he stood directly over her reading his newspaper which was nearly on top of her head (which it didnt need to be) and kind of grinning like he was "showing her for making him get up". Im not sure what is wrong with people. The guy was about 35-40 years old and looked very much able to stand. I cant understand why people dont offer to get up automatically for people with disabilities and even the elderly. They would rather watch an old woman stumble and perhaps fall when the train yanks to a start or stop, than get up and let them sit down. Thats just so wrong and people do it. Personally, I will stand just so I dont have to worry about those situations.

So I get home last night and Im working on my web page some more, researching cameras again (I now want the panasonic fz15 or fz20) and the phone rings. First call was a friend I am supposed to get together with in the evening. They are going to get something to eat. "what are you doing", "I dont know, what are you guys doing" seemed to be the conversation (mind you the static on the phone was so noisy it was hard to make out the words). They decided to call me back after they ate dinner. Call 2 was from another friend that we were all going to meet up. I knew I wanted to go to the pilsner for a few drinks. He had already been out for since 4:30 and he was already drunk. Call 3, 4, 5, and 6 all the same routine. "what are you doing?", "we went back to the hotel", "I have to call you back" etc... Finally call number 7 (and Im getting frustrated by this time) I answer in a strong, irritated voice. Go figure, Its Josh and wondering what that was all about. After that I decided it doesnt pay to be irritated.

Lets see. Ben, Steve, Tod, Stevie show up. We go and meet Ian at the Pilsner. I ran into Rick who was with someone. I think the guy thought I was hitting on Rick or otherwise just introduced himself to me because he wanted to. I thought the guy was cute before I even noticed the two holding hands. I hope they get together. Anyway, we drank and drank. I had a HUGE Long Island Ice Tea. Pint glass filled to the top with alcohol. He had to overflow it to splash the sour mix and coke. Get this... $7. He charged the guys ahead of me $9 each for theirs hehe... I must me special. :-)

So I had a thought while out drinking with friends. It was wierd to look at them and say that. I have gone out with a friend or two here but this was the first time I was out with multiple friends. There were 6 of us hanging out and having fun. It reminded me of the gang in Rochester and I thought "These guys are no Billy, Jeffy, Jarrod, or Chris5". Although they are fun to hang out with, its just different.

Cruising in SF. Its funny but guys dont cruise the same way in SF as they do in Rochester or even on the east coast. Everyone is always looking in front of them and for some reason they dont want to be distracted. So its a quick eye glance. No head movement at all but just a quick, one second eye glance up and down and then their point of vision is directly in front of them again. Its very hard to explain the technique. On a rare occassion you get the guy who continues to watch you as you pass. You turn around to look at him who has now turned around to get one last look at you. You think "why wasnt this guy at the bar I was at and if he was would we have even made eye contact". Its funny that people who will check you out and smile on the street, dont always talk to you in a bar.

Well that wraps up my Friday. Came home, slept and writing this on Saturday.... Hope I can change the date *chuckle*

Posted by Des at 11:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack