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March 03, 2010
a new beginning
So its been a while since Ive blogged. What inspired me? First, my roommate who emailed me asking if I knew he started again, the other is that blogging can be therapeutic in working out my own thoughts and emotions.
Its been rough for me the past few months since David left. I went through the "Im free, I can fuck whomever I want, and any way I want" which was reckless. I went through the emotional "I miss having substance, and intimacy of a relationship". Now Im at the "I know what I want, and dont know if I have the energy to look for it, and do it all over again".
Recently I met a boy who is greener than green. 25 years old (Im 40 btw), and looking for someone to bring him into the scene. Mentor-ship, or Daddy if you will. He's hot as all hell, and wanted by many for his extremely good looks and playful personality. The problem is he's all over the place, doesnt know what he wants, and uncommitted to anything (including any kind of relationship).
The biggest problem is, is that I wrapped up my emotions in this one, and now realizing how much disappointment is involved. Yes, Im disappointed in myself for putting so much into it (he really means well) but also disappointed in him. He just doesnt seem to get it, that if its just him taking what he needs, without giving the other person what they need (or even offering to), then its using someone. It may not be intentional, and may not be what they are wanting to do, but its still "using" either way.
The question is, did he fill a need for me in any way? Do I let him go or is there something else fate has in store for me with this? Is it teaching me a lesson? Am I failing at the lesson?
I used to be a person of faith. Faith in the universe, but right now I dont know if I can trust the universe, let alone anyone else in my life. *sigh*
Anyway, day by day right? Ill play things out, and see where my next stepping stone may be before I cross this pond to find land. (thanks for reading if your at this point)
Posted by Des at March 3, 2010 07:15 AM