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February 25, 2006
The Circle Of Life
So there has been a lot going on lately here and Ive been doing a lot of thinking. Reevaluating things in my life and coming up with peace of mind. Funny thing is, Ive reconnected with inner feelings and thought patterns that I havent been in touch with for years.
Its funny how life does this on occassion. You relearn everything that you had forgot. How to be concious of the world, be in the world, take care of yourself, understand yourself, and own yourself. Thats what Im trying to do these days.
I started reading a book called The Power Of Now and have to say, although Im only on page 30, its reconnected me with feelings and thoughts that I once had about 8 years ago.
The book starts off talking about the voices in our head. The only difference between sane and crazy people is that the crazy ones let their voices be heard on the outside. Now with these voices, we tend to hear them speak of ourselves as two different people. One being the true self and the other being basically a lie. They determine this by an example of one of the many questions we ask ourselves or relate in our mind to others. "How can I live with myself?". This indicates more than one person is present.
So we tend to ask ourselves questions in our head like "why did my partner do that?" or "why did my boss do what she did?". Well with these questions the book teaches us how to listen when we answer (and we really do answer those questions). We create answers to fit our questions regardless if they are true or not. Most likely the answers we create are false and its wasted to think about them.
This leads to thinking too much about things that "are on our minds". Things on our minds are going to be there and should not take time away from observing whats around us by repeating the same scene over and over again in our heads. An example that I created was when I was turning a corner. Have you ever been lost in thought where you turn a corner and you almost run right into someone. You realize in that moment you were day dreaming and not paying attention. The book helps you become aware of whats happening now and in this present moment. Listening to your body, mind, heart, and feelings.
As far as feelings go, Ive also revisited some old philosophies. I wont let anyone make me feel a way other than the way I choose to feel. I used to live by those rules when I had a few people trying to hurt me in Rochester mainly because I was well liked and popular. I wouldnt allow them to make me feel hurt and I am certainly not going to allow myself to feel hurt by someone I care about. Even if I dont agree with some of the things they have done or want to do.
So my New Years resolution was to get to know people better. Reconnect with old friends and spend time getting to know new friends. So far its all been working out great. I realized in order to become good friends, I have to make the investment. Give the time, do the work, and actually do stuff with people.
The past few weeks have been great. Ive been hanging out with Jay more often as well as Rick and Matt. There are a few others that Ive spent more time with than usual but it seems to be a good group of friends that Im gathering.
Last night I helped Matt at the Powerhouse and Jay came by to hang out too (todays his birthday btw). Actually Matt had told his friend Joey that he would help him with a benefit for AIDS Lifecycle. I told Matt Id help as well. We set up a table, sold shots, met people, and really had a lot of fun.
This is the stuff I want to continue to do and hopefully will live up to my resolution.
As I work on getting back to me, Ive also been trying to redesign my website. I was told my blog was "a love letter to Josh" and realized that perhaps there wasnt enough "me" in there. I mean I think Im pretty good at talking about myself but Im really thinking my website and blog should be about me and my life. I mean it is supposed to represent my world right? Of course, my life does include Josh and therefore Im sure he will pop up now and again.
On to photos: for those who didnt get the link to the beer bust pictures at the eagle, sponsored by Harrison Street Fair. You can check out the link for the Beer Bust
Hope to keep you all updated on progress Im making and my journey through the rest of my life. *hugs and kisses*
Posted by Des at 08:35 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 12, 2006
Update
So I havent written much over the past month. Things have been a bit rocky in life with both relationships and job wise. Im really hoping things begin to improve soon and it does look like things are heading in that direction.
Im discovering once again many facets of my life that need improving. Im learning once again about life.
I guess every so often (and perhaps it comes with age), I tend to get settled, forget what my interests are, who I am, and my interest in improving myself through needed work. I become stagnant in many ways.
Josh and I just reached the 3 year mark and this is the longest relationship either of us has been in. Im not sure if this applies to other relationships or not (some seem so easy and others so difficult) but for me I am seeing it like a puzzle. For 3 years we have put the pieces together based on the fact they all should be in there, even if they arent where they are supposed to go. Now after 3 years, we are finally cleaning out the bad pieces, reorganizing, and going to try and fit them into the puzzle where they actually should fit. Hopefully creating the bigger picture in the process, so we can understand each other and our relationship a bit better, not to mention future relationships that we both could have. Im really feeling good about our future.
One of the things Ive been working on so far is letting myself out a bit more. I mean, I do go out drinking with friends however its been hard to set time aside from drinking to do things and have fun. Part of me has always held back because I didnt want to do stuff without seeing if Josh wanted to do it too. Often he wasnt avaialable and I would end up saying no. Ive stopped doing this because its the only way to build better friendships and create space between us so we can be ourselves.
As for the other stuff going on, I bought a Playstation 2. I know the PS3 should be out in a few months but I didnt want to wait. Ive been bored with surfing the net (if you can believe that) and needed another source of entertainment. I bought God of War which is a fantastic game and Ive been playing it religously. Buffy Chaos Bleeds is next.
Yesterday I went to lunch with my friend Ian at Bagdad Cafe and we stopped in the bookstore. Normally I hate being in the bookstore, at least that was how Ive been for a while. I lost interest a long time ago but when I was young, there wasnt a bookstore in the mall I didnt hit. Weird, I dont remember being so into books but do remember how much I enjoyed looking in the bookstores. Again, I think I became bored with it. I remember once I almost took a job in a bookstore just because it was part time and I could get a discount.
Well this time I spent 20 minutes in one section. The psychology section (which I used to love before). I found a great book called the Power Of Now, which looks like it could lead to some enlightenment about myself.
After that I stopped in Crystal Way and looked at crystals. Amazing how I remembered my interest again way back when. Somehow this was another interest that got lost along the way.
It seems when I date someone and they are interested in something, I feel have to lose my interest. Perhaps they are better at these things than I am. They seem to have more knowledge about these things than I do. I guess by them having more info, instead of learning from these people, I tend to discard my interest. Weird, after 36 years, learning that about myself.
I went down to visit Josh at Zubio and he and I went to a poly meetup. I stayed about 45 minutes and then went to meet some friends for the Chinese New Years parade. My first Chinese New Years parade and it was fun. I dont know if Ive ever seen the streets packed with so many people but the parade was nice. It did seem a bit repetitive though with dragon after dragon, firecracker after firecracker, and pretty lit floats. I got some pics but not a lot.
Afterwards it was back to the center to hang out with Josh some more. His cousin and her husband are staying the weekend so we came home shortly after so we could be here when they got back. Perfect timing cause they showed up about 5 minutes after we did.
Off to dinner, all of us starving. I seem to remember my moms voice when typing that line, "yeah, you look like youre starving". Thai food was fantastic.
Home, fun, and much more. It was a great day overall and hoping today will be better.
The future cant be what you want it to be unless you work at it today. Thats my new phrase to live by.
Posted by Des at 06:54 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack