Desmond's World

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May 30, 2005

Id like to say the apartment is final and we have jobs

But I cant.....

This week has been pretty good. I had two interviews and they both went well. The question now is do I want either of them. I realized, if I settle, I will be making much less money than I could. Is it worth it just to have a job? Im not sure it is, however it would be nice to have something permenent again.

With that Ive been looking into health insurance again. It seems to be the place to make the better bucks. Its been almost 2 months and Im finally feeling a bit refreshed from the last place. The negativity has finally settled and I think Im ready to persue it once again. Hopefully it will be better this time around.

As for the apartment, things are hanging by a thread. We dont know if its a yes or a no. Steve finally called the woman who is renting it out for her dad, and we are hoping they will give it to us based on his info. Its worked for the past year so I dont see why it wont work now.

The biggest problem we are having is that the woman wants to rent it to us, but her brother and father are the ones telling her no. Her brother who is a contractor and rents out apartments, doesnt like the looks of the applications (mainly mine and Josh's). He seems to be the one standing in our way. Her dad is 90 and I believe is listening to the sons warnings on this so if it was completely up to her, we would be moving soon. Guess we have to wait and see what happens and be prepared to hear no.

One good thing thats coming out of all this is that I finally got the chance to do some cleaning up on my credit report. I guess I was under the impression that I had bad credit and there really wasnt much I could do about it. After looking at my credit report, I realized its not really *that* bad and just needs some letters written, and I need to have some claims disputed. Once I get a couple of those things off there, it should improve considerably.

As for Josh, he is still looking and working on opening up his practice. At least getting established a bit more in the community. He made up gift certificates to raffle off for charity, and on Saturday we went to the really really free market, where he gave away free body work.

The really really free market is a place where you leave your business cards behind, bring items youre looking to get rid of, and kind of trade free for free.

I went with him mainly because he wasnt sure if anyone would want free chair massage. He wanted me to be a body in the chair just in case. Needless to say, he didnt have a free moment, so no body work for me. I was really happy though that it all worked out for him.

His first client was a 7 year old boy who came up and asked "whats that". Josh told him it was a chair for massage, and the boys response was "I want it!" lol.

When Josh told him he needed to get permission from his mother, he yelled across the park "Mom! he wants to talk to you". After his mom gave permission for the kid to get a massage, he must have gotten bored within a few minutes, and simply said "ok, Im done" and walked away.

After that, he had a line for most of 2 hours and gave massage one right after the other. He was even able to trade with a woman who Josh really enjoyed receiving from.

Nothing else really exciting happening these days. Sunday was the usual beer bust at the Eagle. The weathers been nice. Sunny and mid 60s which seems to be warmer than mid 60s used to feel. If I had to compare the temperature of SF this year as to that of Rochester I would say 65 in SF feels a lot like 75 in Rochester.

This week coming up? Nothing planned but working on the job issue. Ive got enough in savings to last me until mid September and still make the same amount I did when I was working. My planning worked out in that sense but theres so much more I could do with my savings. New camera, new furniture for the apartment (if or when we get it), Josh needs a massage table, and lots of other stuff.

On that note, Happy Memorial Day. Last year on Memorial Day, I was finishing up my packing of the apartment, cleaning it out, and leaving the place on Gregory Street for good. June 1st at 5am will be my anniversary of flying out to SF. Happy Anniversary to me :)

Posted by Des at 09:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 24, 2005

Quick Update.... Job search

Just a quick update for those who still read this thing. I had 2 interviews yesterday and one last Thursday. I got call backs for both the interviews yesterday and havent heard anything on the job I interviewed for last week however I did send a thank you card which Im hoping they will get tomorrow. Its worked in the past for some people.

Now, the 2 interviews I got called back for, one pays a little more but is a 45 minute bus commute. The other pays a little less and is 10 minutes walking distance from home and in Castro. Both are management positions and equally beneficial. Id like to take the one thats 45 minutes from here but am tempted to take the one closer to home. Ok, so Im talking about it as if I already have the jobs lol.

As for other stuff, the apartment is still in process. Josh is still looking for a job but also in the process of starting up a private practice 2 days a week to have some kind of income. I can tell how hard it is for him and honestly not quite sure what I can do to help. Perhaps just being here is enough but I always have the feeling that I should be doing more. Anyway, I have a lot of faith everything will work out for the best one way or another.

So this evening I went out to meet up with Ben & Steve whom I havent seen in a while. They have a friend of theirs in from NYC who happens to know a lot of the same people I do (for those who know me, you know the scene Im into). It was a nice evening. We had a couple of drinks at Moby Dicks and then ate at Nirvana.

I know I said I didnt want to eat there again but didnt want to make those guys choose someplace else either so I went back. The service was good and the food was good. Its always hit or miss there and when they miss, they really miss.

So thats about all for now. Tomorrow is another free day. I have to call and schedule my second interview for Thursday and on Thursday Ill have both of them. Hopefully by the end of the week something good will happen and life will be on its way back to normal.

*sigh*

Posted by Des at 10:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 22, 2005

The Wedding & BBQ

Ill try and keep this one brief.

The wedding was nice. It was a bit different from the traditional wedding but the color scheme was red & black. The bridesmaids dresses looked as if they were from the Renaissance era. It was held in the park on a bright sunny day, and hamburgers and hotdogs were served shortly after the vows were said.

Josh looked great and did an awesome job of marrying the two of them. His signature is vital on the certificate which is kind of impressive in its own way.

I got to meet the photographer and learned a bit about her new camera . Lindsay had her take a couple of pictures of Josh and I which werent going in the final book. They turned out really nice and our favorite is the one below thats set back a bit and has less light. I want to get an 8X10 of it as soon as I get some other stuff out of the way.

So on to the BBQ. I had a lot of fun. I was a bit worried that I wouldnt fit in (as I always am when I am around Josh's friends) but for the first time I really felt a bit more comfortable. Im not sure why this time was different but for some reason it was. Lindsy, Katie, Suzanne, and the infamous Josh C were all there and in good spirits and really made me feel comfortable, accepted, and as if I was no longer an outsider.

We got to meet Will for the second time. We had originally met him at Josh C's graduation party last year but I didnt remember mainly because that day was a long day out in the sun at Marine World not to mention my birthday. We were exhausted by the time we got to the dinner.

Anyway, Will was really cool. Funny, cute, and very flirtatious. My kind of guy lol. For some reason I got the feeling Josh C was afraid I would take advantage while Will was drunk and some how I wanted to say "Thats more Josh than me". I guess they dont know me very well yet so I cant blame them for having that kind of understanding of our relationship or my manners.

Perhaps about 10 years ago when I was single, I would have had no problem being over a friends house and taking someone into a back room for a blow job or something but several things are different in this situation. First my bf is there and I would never do anything without asking him first. Second, I have a respect for someone elses home in which they have invited me into. And third, I dont take advantage of guys who have been drinking. Wow my morals have changed over the years.

So home we are and home we will be. Its Sunday morning and we need to fill out the applications for the apartment. Beer bust today YAY.... Now for the pics of Josh and I.

Thank you Lindsay & John for having the photographer take these pictures and many thanks to Beth Brandt for taking them and sending me the copies. They really came out nice.

Posted by Des at 06:18 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 20, 2005

Marrying Your Cousin????

So last night was Star Wars. We went to the 10:30 show which let out around 1am. We grabbed a cab and dropped Rick off and proceded home.

Ariving home at 1:30am is bad enough when you have to catch a train and be up at 5:30am. its worse when the double shot espresso venti raspberry mocha I had at 9:30 keeps me up till 2:30am. So here I am with 3 hours sleep, on a train headed for Rpseville, with Josh's cousins wedding this afternoon.

I am hoping to get some great wedding pictures to add to my collection as well as some experience at photographing a wedding. Perhaps not the traditional wedding, but a wedding none the less.

Im not sure if Ive mentioned it but today Josh is marrying his cousin. I love saying it that way because it sounds so profound. Actually what he is doing is officiating the wedding and he will get to pronounce them man and wife.

I never knew how easy it was to get that kind of power. It starts me thinking about gay marriage and all. Why not a revolution? Why dont all gay men and women become annointed (if thats the right word) and just start marrying each other. Isnt marriage to be recognized in the eyes of God? Yeah the state and federal government will most likely not cave in and give equal rights but I cant help wonder if its for the money or the sanctity of marriage thats more important to people.

Next time!!!!

Posted by Des at 07:49 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Frustrations and Deal Breakers

Once again Ive dropped the ball on keeping up with the journal. Not much has happened but a few highlights have been job hunting, apartment hunting, and as of last night Star Wars Episode 3.

Apartment hunting has been a chore. We've looked at several places (perhaps too many) in hopes to find that perfect place we all agree on. Steve & I had pretty much given up and just wanted the ordeal to be over even though we hadnt really found anything useful.

The best place we had found was in Noe Valley. Plenty of room, weird living room (the layout was weird). It was 2 floors with a beautiful spiral staircase going up the center from the living room tpo the kitchen.

2 small issues with the place. First its in Noe Valley and second the bathroom is off the kitchen.

Now Noe Valley is about a 10 minute bus ride to Castro and the bus stop is only a block away. That would be fantastic if we werent already living walking distance Castro and used to the scene.

I realized then that I enjoy being in Castro and really dont want to live in any other neighborhood unless I have to. The other thing I thought of was having guests from out of town. Its nice to be right on Market St where we can show off by walking there. Not to mention if we are occupied, they wouldnt have to deal with the frustrations of figuring out *and* riding the bus.

The bathroom off the kitchen was just from experience and growing up in a farm house with that feature. Having a house full of 9 people and a bathroom off the kitchen was a bit hard to stomach at times. We eventually closed off the door to the kitchen for that reason and just used the other door which came off the living room.

The place we are in now has that same layout. Here it doesnt seem as bad as then, however I still have the thought in my head that it has the potential.

Finally we decided to look at 2 more places. They both said upper Market/Castro which was exciting. Perhaps one of these would be the one. Steve had to work (and I would imagine he was glad so he would have to apartment hunt anymore).

The first was a fantastic, year and a half old, condo. Beautiful new appliances, huge bedrooms, huge living room, fireplace, and secure parking. No parking is a huge deal breaker for Steve. Josh loved the place and I thought it was great as well.

So whats the issue you wonder? Well 2 things. First it was so far up Market it wasnt even close to Castro. In fact it wasnt really Castro at all. Again we have the bus issue and Ive already decided that was a deal breaker for me.

The other thing was the neighborhood. It was close to Forest Hill Muni Station, which I had dubbed a while ago as the dirtiest, scariest, station in SF. Quite frankly it lessons the neighborhood just by its existence.

The other place we looked at was definitely Castro. In fact it was only a couple of blocks from where we arw now. I loved the place. HUGE sliding glass deck upstairs with 180 degree view from Twin Peaks to Castro, extending beyond all the way to the bay. You could even see the pride flag flying over Castro. Huge bedroom upstair, 2 small ones downstairs, 2 bathrooms, washer & dryer, lots of storage, and another (more secluded) deck with huge sliding glass doors which come off both the downstairs bedrooms.

The problem? The kitchen consisted of an old electric range. Im not so sure it was the fact that it was electric (although that was a problem) but more the combination of being old and electric was the problem. Josh who does a lot of cooking, would have a tough time with it. This was the deal breaker for him.

So its about comprimise. How do we all comprimise so that we arent sacrificing the things we want (or dont want for that matter). Between apartment hunting and job hunting things have become frustrating for all of us.

After talking about things more, I give Josh a lot of credit. We decided on the place I liked with an intent to buy our own electric stove to put in. This would make him happier and I give him credit because he not only gave up on the place he loved, but agreed to the one I liked.

This was his first time apartment hunting and was really excited to be involved in the process. He was excited lpoking, excited to have a say in it, and really wanted it to be something we all could live in. I totally know where he was coming from with it all. I still feel in many ways that he is giving up the most & love him greatly for it.

So now we have to apply. That will be an issue Im sure but I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will all pan out like it should. I had an interview yesterday and have another phone interview on Monday. I heard frpm another place yesterday which I have to call to schedule another one.

I have to say I am such a loser but for a different reason than I originally thought. I was feelong like a loser because I had sent in many resumes and hadnt heard a word on any of them. I dropped off a ton of bartending resumes in Castro and thought someone would call me but nothing. Then yesterday I realized I forgot to put my email address on them.

Needless to say yesterday the calls started pouring in and they were from the original resumes I emailed. Guess Im not the loser I thought I was but more a loser for thinking I was to begin with.

Now for Star Wars. I enjoyed it but the way they tied it all together wasnt completely to my liking. Steve and Rick liked it a lot. I wont give much more detail for those who may see it in the future but Ill end this entry here with saying "oh my god, I cant believe Darth Vader is Lukes father". I feel a deja vu coming on.

Posted by Des at 01:47 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 10, 2005

Happy Birthday to Josh

So the past few days havent been too exciting to write about. Sunday I was in a miserable mood. I was frustrated because of all the stuff I need to put back together in my life. As most of you know, Ive been pretty out of control since Ive been out of work and Im now thinking I need to organize things a bit.

I am pretty certain I wont be heading back to school as originally planned. Im thinking about working and making money so that all that Ive saved can be used for better things.

Several things have been tormenting me lately in a "How do I do it?" sort of way. This is the primary factor to my recklessness. I know why, now how do I change it? Those are the answers I need to figure out.

To start with we want a new apartment. I need a job for that as well as money.

I want a new career photography and dont want to go back into health insurance. This much I know.

So how do I get a) and b)?

School isnt an answer right now because I cant get either with it. Perhaps the job in photography but from what Ive heard from a few people in the design industry, it doesnt seem to be a major asset.

Where are my skills? How do I meet the people who can answer my questions? How can I network and find the people who will give me a chance? What career allows me to make money, while networking? The answer is bartending.

Im thinking now its the best way to meet people and you never know who you will meet. Its something Im good at, something that has always proved to pay well, something that has always allowed me to meet people, and something I enjoy for the most part. It also puts me back in the social scene which I think Im ready for.

So thats my decision but Josh seems to have some concern. We havent talked about it except in brief conversation but enough to know he doesnt like the idea. If he is dead set against it and can give me other options besides living off him when he finds a job, perhaps Ill take that route but for now it seems like a good answer to me.

So as for Josh, he went yesterday to get his background check done. Man, they treat massage therapists like criminals here. I guess too many people do it for sex (aka prostituation in a sense since they are getting paid), but for those who are serious about helping people (in a different way), it seems to be a lot of burreaucracy.

FBI, CIA, finger printing, everyone wants to know everything. At least its done and now he will take the test on Friday and once he passes that, he will be licensed to practice. He has been persuing a higher end spa in union square which I hope he gets, otherwise Im pretty confident he can find a job most anywhere. Have I mentioned how proud I am of him? :)

Today is his birthday. I gave him his present early on Saturday which was the Margaret Cho tickets. Today I feel as if I havent given him anything. I plan on going for a walk around 10am and getting him the venus fly trap I promised him for graduation but never got for him (I bought him a japanese tea pot which cost more than any tea pot should). I also plan on taking him out to dinner some place so with everything it will hopefully amount to something special. Oh yeah, I bought the CB3000 as a gift as well but still havent determined if it was for graduation or birthday. And is it really a gift if I get to use it too?

Anyway, today should be fun. Not much planned for me except sending out a few resumes, updating my retail resume as well as photography, and perhaps going down to all the bars on Castro and handing them my bartending resume. I did see a post on craigslist for health insurance based here in SF with extensive travel to Pakistan. Hmmmmm sounds quite interesting lol (or not).

Oh yeah, last but not least. Jury duty! Ive been selected and postponed it when I found out it was just before Josh's graduation. I called Friday to see if I had to report. Postponed till Monday, please call back. I call Monday? Postponed, please call back Tuesday. Ugh!!! So I have to call back tonight and see if I have to report. I hope not but you never know what will happen. Man is that going to throw a wrench into my plans if I do.

Wish me luck

Posted by Des at 07:53 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 08, 2005

Home Again - Civilization and Gay Life YAY!

So it was nice coming back to SF and having the feeling of being home again. Before making it back to the apartment, Josh needed to get the application in to the department of public health before they closed for the weekend.

He needed to do this asap so he can sign up for the test and get his license. He is hoping to start working at Kamala Spa and is right on top of getting it done. Im hoping it all works out for him. The spa is amazing and I can totally see him in that environment.

When I stopped by there to get a menu from him about a month ago, I was amazed. Its on the 7th floor right at Union Square. They have a huge aquarium next to a window that overlooks the square and Macys and all the high end stores. The clientel are much more upscale as well. I think Im as anxious as he is lol.

So with that, the DOPH wouldnt take cash. Money order or checks only. How weird. This was the first I realized I was back in SF. We went down to the post office to get a money order and while Josh was occupied at the counter this guy waves me over to talk to him.

I approach him after flirting a bit and he introduces himself. He asked "what are you up to?". Hmmm Im not familiar with that pick up line but none the less it was nice to be back in SF where the gay men flow freely and you can get picked up in the post office just as easy as a bar.

We made it back to the apartment around 5:15. We still havent unpacked the car completely yet (Its now Sunday morning). Steve had cooked dinner and we had bought a bottle of Champagne. It was a celebration of Josh being home, and a new life for the 3 of us living together.

Saturday it was nice to wake up in our bed, wish Josh laying next to me. There was a huge comfort in knowing he was back. A different feeling than when he would visit, knowing he would only have to leave again. This time he was here for good.

It was also nice to a) have coffee b) not have to go outside to use the bathroom and c) not have to climb that huge and exhausting hill to get something to eat. It felt good being home, our home.

So we went to check out apartments yesterday (actually I looked at one and let them look at the others). The one we went to was off Church St and had what we were looking for. It had 2 good size bedrooms, and huge room for an office, a fairly large living room, a full bath as well as a split bath, a back yard, and a kitchen that could accommodate a table for dinners. A couple of things didnt feel right about the place though. For one the layout was long and narrow. For some reason I dont like everything being off one hallway. The other was actually laying out $4900 just for a security deposit and thats not even the first or last months rent. It was also our first place we looked at so we are confident (I am at least) that there are other places out there.

It was nice being able to eat in the Castro again. We had lunch at a Mandarin Chinese Restaurant which was yummy.

Later in the evening we got a call from 3 of Josh's friends at Heartwood who were in his class but staying for the 4th quarter. They are currently on break for 2 weeks and decided after we left they were going on a road trip. Their first stop is San Francisco. YAY!!!!

I love Melissa, Steve, and Sarah. They were greatly accepting of me when I was up there visiting. Beautiful people and a lot of fun too. It was funny that I would be so excited to see them after only leaving them a day ago.

We went to Samovar for tea which turned out to be fantastic. After getting all caffined up, we came back to our place to let them crash on the floor of our living room. We watched the DVD I made which has slideshows from Heartwood as well as some video clips. It was my first attempt at using IDVD on my mac and I mastered it pretty quickly. There was only two real flaws in my creation. a) I forgot to put a button to return to the main menu from one of the links and b) forgot to fill in a picture for the menu portion.

I have to say, I was quite surprised at what this software could do. It really works and acts like a DVD and not only in a way that it plays in a DVD player but the set up on the screen allows options, graphics, and a actual tree of functions.

At the end of the evening I gave Josh his birthday present. Its a few days early but it just felt like a good time to do it. I got us Margaret Cho tickets in June.

I cant believe it. We are going with Steve, Calvin and Dave to go see Margaret Cho live. I have laughed histerically at her stand up for a few years now and with her being one of the biggest fag hags ever to live, and being in SF, it should be an amazing show.

Well that takes us to Sunday morning. Josh just woke up and it sounds like several of the others are now waking up as well. Beer bust today? hmmmmmm

Posted by Des at 08:42 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 07, 2005

Heartwood Graduation

Lets see. The best place to start would be graduation. Not only was I proud of Josh for graduating (He is now a certified massage therapist with 780 hours) but also for helping put together a fantastic graduation. From the dinner which consisted of delicious chicken and asparagus (everyone there was delighted to have chicken), right down to having a DJ, designing the programs (which I was proud he used one of my photos), and basically making it happen. Many people said it was the best graduation ever, which was nice to hear knowing how much work Josh had done to prepare.

I havent gotten a chance yet to post the pictures but they will be coming soon. So graduation was fun. His grandmother, Mark, and Barry made it there early in the afternoon and we all had lunch together. Josh finished up the programs while several friends of his decorated the Lodge and the Temple. I stayed in his room and got most of the packing done because he really didnt have the time.

He made it through his final class around 6pm and we met everyone at the lodge for graduation dinner. His grandmother was a bit funny when she saw the circle around the food in which they let out a loud oooooooooooooohm. When Mark asked her why she didnt participate, she flat out said "oh I dont believe in that". Yep, thats his grandmother lol.

Another funny quote I remember hearing her say, was when they let out an Aaaaaahhhhh at the ceramony. She turned to Josh and said "I hope your not into that". The woman is great and when she says this stuff, its like she doesnt expect and answer and she is just telling it like it is (to her belief of course).

So dancing to a DJ, African Drummers in the temple, and Karaoke. We danced at all 3 in different ways. The DJ was more house music and we strutted our stuff a bit. Even his grandmother got out there and danced. She had waited all evening "to see some dancing" and finally it happened. It was cool to see her out there shaking it with the younger folks.

After she retired, we went up to the temple to see the south african drumming. Wow! There was so much energy in the room. I was amazed. Drums banging, people dancing, and everyone feeling the rythm as if it was a part of them. Like the music was flowing through them and making them dance.

I sat by myself outside, back at the lodge, while Josh danced once again to the DJ. When he was done we headed into the karaoke room where I heard Shannon earlier singing Girls Just Want To Have Fun. Now I would have imagined that song being sung by gay men or women but never heard a straight man singing it. This kind of gives you an idea of how laid back people are there (not to mention fun as well as funny).

I belted out Lady Marmalade with the same ole fear that comes across me as I stand up in front of people making a fool of myself. I actually did quite well with the words I knew and hit the notes on key for the most part. The second half of the song was a bit more difficult and I pretty much stuck to the chorus. Everyone clapped and told me I did wonderful and I was a bit embarrassed. I headed off the stage into the corner with my face redder than a firetruck.

We retired to his room for the evening around 1am and its off to sleep. Thursday will be packing up the car, meeting his grandmother for breakfast, and finally on the road to SF to go HOME

Posted by Des at 08:19 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 04, 2005

I wont confess how much Im enjoying it here

So its 9:16am and I finally am sitting down after several days to journal. Ive been meaning to get around to it for the past few days and Im sure if I had a high speed connection, it would have been done sooner but all those downloads and even checking email makes it difficult.

So here I am day 7. To recap after journaling last, its been hard getting used to. Tough being without a TV, Charmed, having access to email in more ways than just a laptop on a dial up connection. I love my mac and miss it alot more than you could possibly know. I missed having my morning coffee (until this morning).

Finally caffine. God, a whole week without caffine makes desmond a dull boy. This morning Im feeling pretty good about things. The past few days were exceptional (yesterday in particular).

So to fill everyone in on my week, Sunday was a good day. Sunday started with the maypole celebration. It was a celebration of spring in which they call the spirits in all directions and feel the energy to celebrate spring. Ok, there are a lot more details which I dont know but it was nice to be a part of. From what I know and I may be wrong, it is a pagan ritual/holiday where we chanted to songs like "she changes everything she touches and everything she touches changes" and "weave and spin, weave and spin, this is how the work begins. Mend and heal, mend and heal, take the dream and make it real".

They danced, holding a piece of ribbon tied to the maypole, and weaving in and out of each other as they danced around the pole, making the ribbon weave onto the pole like a colorful creation by the workers who have been given a great force of energy. It was nice.

Also, pictures of coffee house are also online. From what everyone tells me (as well as hearing them tell each other), it was one of the best coffee houses in history. I like to think my Josh had a lot to do with it. Their skit was definitely fun (in an S&M/bodywork sort of way).

As for the rest of the week, well Ive come back to earth, so to speak, from city life and all the life there. We tend to forget how much life there is elsewhere. In the forests, in the trees, across the land. So in spite of the bugs, the spiders, the bees, the creepy silk works that land on your shoulder unexpectedly, you still have the deer (although they are pretty to look at, they still scare me as if they were going to eat me alive). The deer literally come within 10 feet of you and dont even flinch when you approach them. There are the wild turkeys which also scare me but are definitely interesting to watch fly about 10-15 feet. There are also humming birds, blue birds, and lots of cool nature stuff.

Being surrounded by all of this made me think "why was I so resistant". I realized that I was so resistant because this was the life I gave up long before Rochester, and it was like going backwards in time to a place I really dont belong anymore.

For those who dont know, I grew up in the country, had my addictions to LSD, Mushrooms, Pot, Crystal Meth, and had pretty much been the party animal, neglecting my life as it went by. I didnt see at that time all the positives in my life and never really had direction. Of course I was 23 at the time and does anyone really have focus at that age?

So needless to say, when I escaped that life (got my shit together so to speak), I never wanted to go back to that life again. Here at Heartwood, Im finding that I can enjoy those things I used to without having that life again. Instead its a life filled with nature walks, community, people who care, and people who believe whats in the hearts. People who dream and people who want to help others. People who see everyone as beautiful and people who have a lot to offer.

So despite the bad, there are many good things here as well (shhh dont tell Josh Im starting to enjoy it a bit).

Ive also been able to get 3 sessions, one by Josh, one by his friend Jana, and another last night from his friend Melissa. I have to say, they were all fantastic in the own way. I really enjoyed last nights session with Melissa. She is definitely one of my favorite people here (although everyone seems so great).

Speaking of favorites, I also enjoy Green who is going to be in the SF area once she leaves here. We spent some time together yesterday while Josh was in class, and took a walk up to the top of the airstrip here. Up on top, you have a 360 degree view of the land, the mountains, and the world for that matter. It was kind of a feeling of freedom and it always brings us back down to earth to realize there is a whole world going on out there and people living their lives, animals living their lives, and the who BIG picture.

It was nice to get a chance to talk with Green about our lives, our historys, and our futures. She is an amazing person and I truly hope she gets everything she desires. She really deserves it.

So today I get to do some packing for Josh while he's in class. Ill pack up some books and clothes, and try and help get ready for Friday morning. Next stop graduation and then back to visit my mac in SF.

Posted by Des at 09:12 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 01, 2005

Heartwood

Deer, Eagles, Turkeys, Cats, Bugs,Insects, Bumble Bees, Gophers, Spiders, and so many other creatures, living among the grounds of Heartwood.

Thursday night was coffee house, which was a lot of fun. I watched Josh take charge of a skit, not only that but he seemed to be tackling so much and making it work. Between coffee house, and graduation, as well as running his own schedule. It was nice to see him taking charge and making it work.

Friday I have to say was a bit disappointing. Josh left about 1:30 and I was feeling a bit alone. I felt a bit abandoned and was really irritated, wondering if I made the right decision to come up on Thursday or not. I wasnt happy with being put at a lower priority than what he was doing but I do know some things are more important to him, and I guess I have to learn to trust him in that respect.

As it turned out, he didnt stay the night as he originally planned. He came back to be with me which made me feel really good. Somewhere down deep, I was hoping he would, so when he walked through the door I wasnt sure how to feel anymore.

I was in bed asleep and I guess during the night I had mixed emotions. Part of me wanted to hold him tight, comfort him, love him, and the other part wanted to scream "you abandoned me, left me in your room all alone, on top of a mountain, with people I dont know, and more dreadlocks than Ive ever seen in my life, and 45 minutes to civilization with no way to get there."

We did quite a bit of talking on Saturday morning. I expressed my hurt feelings and he expressed his emotions that he got out of the ritual the evening before. He told me how much he loved me, appreciated me, respected me, and so much more. The words were nice to hear but the nicest part was when he described our experience in the cabin about a year and a half prior. He said "that was the night I made the decision to marry you". Wow... that really hit home.

With that we met Jana and Silas and watched Lemminy Snickets movie (sp?). It was enjoyable, however I really dont enjoy Jim Carey. He seems to make everything into a comedy and Im not so certain this movie should have been. It should have been darker, more gloomy, and with *that guy*.

After the movie, we talked some more. We went to see Sarah (who was fantastic at coffee house), and she gave us a tarrot reading both individually and as a couple. It was another emotional experience.

I almost cried at some things but seeing Josh cry on his really hit home. Seeing us together in the cards, really touched an emotional string.

For me, it was about conflict and change (who'da thunk lol). The transition from what I know and what I want to become. The fears of being held back or holding myself back for that matter because of safety. Seeing work as a burden rather than enjoyable. Seeing where I was going afterwards and knowing that its uncertain.

For Josh, it touched on a lot of his desires, fears, and emotions, which I will let you read in his journal.

For the two of us, we are a ton of energy, very similar in ways via our heart and caring. On the outside we appear very different but on the inside is what keeps us going. She saw the conflicts we have which we need to work on, and it was really amazing how accurate she was. I have to say, we left there feeling love for each other and feeling the love back.

So after the reading, it was dinner, back to the room, and then down to the celebration of spring. It was in preperation for todays event. They built a fire, and sat around playing the drums. This girl Jessie who was visiting, did a tobacco ceromony which was kind of fun to watch. Saying prayers to the north, south, east, west, mother earth, the spirits, and prayers to all that surround it.

This morning I lay awake, Josh is sleeping for 3 more minutes while I finish my entry. It shall be a fun day, a loving day, a good day for what I see.

Ill be here till Friday morning. Hooray graduation Thursday.

Posted by Des at 06:37 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack