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February 03, 2005
Realization
This morning, I started thinking about my life and where to turn. I hold alot in and it isnt easy or healthy. Since the move 8 months ago, Ive felt like I cant really talk to my old friends about the fears and issues in my life, I cant talk to my new friends because I cant bringd down that wall just yet (and new friends dont want to hear someone whine), and Josh is so far away to hug and find the support I need.
I was afraid yesterday for the first time about several issues. First, the cyst on my head. I know it isnt a big deal and people have them removed all the time. Mind you, Ive never broken a bone in my body, never spent a night in a hospital, and have never really had any kind of surgery in my life. So facing something that may seem small and minor to others, is inside me as a fear, a concern, and a bit of unease.
Second is losing my job in April. Ive never been in a situation like this. When I was younger and still living at home, I was laid off but had my family who still paid the bills and provided all the necessities, so it wasnt a big deal. Now its my life, my support, my means of living.
Many options and Im not sure how to go about them. The fear remains, what if it doesnt work out for the best? I could take the summer off and slowly look for a job. I could collect unemployment and perhaps take a class that will be usefull for finding a job down the road (like my certificate which prevented me from getting that other job). How will employers see that time gap in between jobs on my resume? Will I be able to make enough money to support myself once the severance is done and Im living off of just unemployment? Im faced with the same fear I had when I initially moved.
The third thing is Josh's possibility of staying at Heartwood another quarter. 8 months ago, I moved out here with plans of being together in May. 10 months apart was a long time. Ive been patient with the hopes that the time will go by quickly. With everything else going on, I looked forward to graduation in May and finally putting together the plans we started a year ago. How do I say "I dont want you to continue on because I need you here"? I cant say that. I wont say that. I mean I could and in some ways have but I know its selfish of me. I just feel like once again, the plans we made are being pushed back which brings a sense of disappointment.
So with all that said, I really feel alone, afraid, and unsure about things. Im feeling a bit down. I did realize one thing while talking to my friend Colleen this morning (who helped considerably. Thank you!) and thats the fact its all still part of "the change". The transition period isnt over till Josh is done with school.
I also know that losing my job is a part of change and the biggest fear Ive learned is that people are afraid of the transition and not the change itself. Its scary to be in transition because you dont know the outcome. So Im still dealing with two major changes in my life. Perhaps I will try and be less afraid of the transition but its definitely hard.
Ok, done venting. Back to being a pillar of strength for now.
Posted by Des at February 3, 2005 06:11 AM
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